RKMBs Forums .::Important::. Fortress of Awesome Chat -((Random Interview #15))- : Uschi

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Uschi

1) What is your full name?

Which, fer reals or fer online? I was christened as Ashley Elizabeth Haag. My adopted online / pen-name, in full, is Uschi Von Büccher. I got “Uschi” from my German II class and made “V.B.” up. I like the ring of it.

2) Where do you currently reside?

I’m living with two twenty-year-old college girls. If I were gay or a dude it would be heaven, I guess. My room is 9’ by 9’ and I spend most of my “at home” time in there. I don’t like the girls. They’re not my type. One’s a prudish snob and the other talks ALL the time. So I live one block off Austin Bluffs Blvd, the road my work is on and my school is off of. My life scoots along the road like I’m a foosball guy. Location-wise, I live in Colorado Springs, CO.

3) That last paragraph gave me the mental image of The Truman Show with lesbians. I'm pretty unsure why. Anyway...given that we are all fully aware that you are a pharmaceutical "scientist", or somesuch, explain the details of this profession. What is it, exactly, that you do? How did you come to this choice in your life? What is it you find so fascinating about it that you would make it a career?

Two comics I have here ( http://home.earthlink.net/%7Euschiweb/one_page_redux.html ) explain this a little. One of the cool things is that what I’m doing IS a profession. It’s not some cunt-wipe customer service gig, it’s not bagging groceries, it doesn’t entail smelling like pizza 24/7. For a woman without any post HS degrees yet I think that’s pretty slick.

One of the best pros about compounding at College Pharmacy is the people I work with. I have met some of the greatest people ever through my job. My boss Deb is ALSO my prime drinking friend. Everyone likes to have fun and can take a joke. I can be the same asshole there as I am here at Rob’s and there’s no problem. The owner of the company actually LIKES my hair and, so long as I wear a hairnet, doesn’t have a problem with me having it like I do.
While the pharmacy makes quite a large variety of product (creams, suppositories, solutions, injectibles, pellets, etc.) I mostly only work on capsules. In fact, even the compounding supervisor sends people my way when they have a cap problem. What I do is, based on our SECRET! Formulas, gather chemicals / nutrients / minerals / amino acids and weigh them out, then mix ‘em up and do some math, then I put them into capsules (either 100 at a time, 300 at a time, or by hand one at a time).

The funny thing is how I got the job. Here in ColoSprings37 (inside joke) there are two (three?) major CPhT training schools. (CPhT = Certified Pharmacy Technician) My sister worked in shipping as a clerk (she now runs the department) and suggested I apply for their filing position. Starting out as a part-time filer (3 or 4 hours a day max) sucked balls. But then the gal who was working the bulk/commercial counter (what they have at, like, Walgreens) got fired for being a recreational drug user and not arriving at work most days. I immediately put in for a position transfer and POW I’m a tech. Then the guy making the bulk caps wanted to change positions and I put in for HIS job and POW I’m a scientist. Later I got certified, then changed positions a few more times, and here I am on Aminos/Minerals.

It isn’t a carrear for me. I’m going to college for a shitty BA art degree and hope to one day get a job drawing pictures and designing paper advertisements.

4) That's a fucking cool story. Mainly for all the "POW"s.

In your opinion, what is the most significant break-through in medical research over the past century? Why? How do you think it has benefitted humanity, as a whole?

1906 to 2006. Damn that’s a long time. What am I going to mention, penicillin? The mapping of the human genome? Test-tube fertilization and cloning? Chemo therapy? Rabies vaccination? Heart surgery was extraordinary… so are artificial limb advancements. Organ transplants? There’s too much to think over and I’m no biologist. I think I’ll go with artificial limbs just to play along with this. It has seriously increased the standard of life for countless individuals and made once done-for people able to work and earn a living. It’s a small enough thing (limb replacement) that it helps so many more people and helps them so thoroughly (i.e. a liver transplant doesn’t necessarily work or come in time while a new hip usually works splendidly). We have much fewer people completely disabled by accidents and therefore those people are not only not-subtracting from society (not that it is their fault) but also ADDING to society through their continued participation in human commerse.

5) Good answer. Rational and logical, as a scientist should be. But, outside of rationality and logic, what's fun? I mean, besides certain message board activities, what are your hobbies?

I draw pictures all the fucking time. Drawing is my LIFE. I like to watch films (although I have a serious hate-on for Hollywood) and read books (I’m just getting into H.P. Lovecraft). I like to bowl and play pool. On Fridays I go to our compant softball games (we’ve never won) and then out for drinks at a shittly little bar. Me, my sister Julie and her husband Andrew play board games a lot (Scattergories, Yatzhee, Trivial Pursuit, Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, among others).

6) And here I thought you ran around and sprayed graffiti on buses. Live and learn.

It's no secret that you have a weird, fetish/obsession with Charlie Chaplin. What's that all about?

YAAAY! Okay, as a woman, he’s handsome as nobody else. Pretty face and all. Damn his eyes! As a film aficionado, he’s a cinematographical genius. As a comedian he is exquisite. His timing and the way expressions, situations, postures, EVERYTHING works together so perfectly to make the most poignant little gag work is like magic. His humor is clean with naughty bits but never over the top. He can conjure any emotion out of the audience (fear, sadness, pity, empathy, joy, elation, love, etc.). And on top of this I enjoy the hell out of his personality. He was a humanist who treated everyone (even back then) equal and fought to abolish stereotype small-mindedness. He was, as he’s been quoted saying, a citizen of the world. He also had to battle with severe depression his whole life and in that way I feel kinship toward him.

7) Fair enough. The heart of any healthy obsession is built on well-rounded admiration. Well done there. And well done on your hair. You know, I love your hair. Individuality is a quality I appreciate in almost anyone. Do you think your hair is a defining trait of your personality? What made you wild-it-out in such a way in the first place?

Is my hair a defining trait of my personality? That sounds as if implying that my hair created my weirdness. In that way, no. It’s hard to explain… I’ve never been comfortable with my hair until I chopped it all off. I feel comfortable in my hair finally. As a very little child I had some bowl-cut thing. Then, also as an adolescent, I had “boy” haircuts because I hated long hair SO much. Then, in about fifth grade when my boobs started growing, I got a lot of shit for it (“are you a boy or a girl?” or “what ARE you?!” were common questions). Being a pre-teen (plus I’ve always been excruciatingly shy) I caved to peer pressure and had several years of long hair in ponytails. It was uncomfortable and I felt so ugly… I was sure people were looking at me and reaction-thinking “gross.”

Almost three years ago I came to a serious turning point in my life. Long story short, I finally was able to accept myself for who I am. One day, spur of the moment, I asked my sister if we owned any clippers and she helped me shave all but the top of my head. Over the next six months I refined my hair to the “pineapple” cut I keep it at now.

I like my hair for several reasons. One, it doesn’t take any effort. Two, it looks cool and punkrock without being TOO dyke. Three, I’M TANK GIRL! Four, now I know why people are looking at me and, for the most part, what they’re thinking.

8) asks: Charlie Chaplin with mustache? Or, without?

Well, Charlie Chaplin never had a mustache. Charlot, the Tramp, had a mustache. Honestly? Either way.

9) Oh my gob. That was sooo Fangirl of you. Three minutes in the corner.

If you could change one thing about these boards, what would it be and why?

BAN G-MAN! Ha ha ha ha, kidding. Kinda. ;P I’d brink back the separate forum for “cool things found on the ‘net.” I liked that one and now it’s hard to keep an eye out for the stuff.

10) But...but...there's 'Random Chat'?! It can have net stuff on it, too!

Fight Club time! If you could get into a fist-fight with anyone on these boards, who would it be and why?

I’d say Princess Elisa except I’d rather get in a kicking-fight with her. Just because my personality clashes with hers. Um… probably Chewy Walrus. He seems like the kinda guy I could match up with in a fist-fight pretty evenly. He also seems like he wouldn’t take it personally and we could go for beer afterwards. But maybe that’s just ‘cause he reminds me of my friend John, I dunno.

11) DAY-YUM! The women loooove The Walrus, don't they? Harley, Sneaky, CJ, and even you? Stephen! As Bones would say: "What is it with you, anyway??".

Okay, let's go: If you could be made undisputed leader of any country in the world, with free reign by the international governments to do anything, what country would it be and what would you do?

Luxembourg! It’s the tiniest country in the world so I would know all my peons! I would hire people to make beer for me. Beer and films. And we’d build a train so everyone in the country could ride the same (very big) train up to Germany for Wurst and Torte. I would make a national holiday were everyone was required by law not to go to work and they had to carry around helium balloons. It would be FagTag!

12) LMFAO! I think someone's put some thought into that question before now. AWESOME answer! In fact, out of all the interviews, I think that might be the best one I've seen for this question. Well done, there.

Now, YOU DIE!!

....and go to heaven. God looks down upon you. In a singular, powerful voice He asks: "Do I exist?" Why or why not?

If that happened I’d laugh and say, “did you seriously just ASK me that?” Frankly I don’t care if there is/is not a god. If there is a god it is completely misunderstood by us and pointless to dedicate my life to the service of something I doubtlessly have wrong. If there isn’t a god, no loss! This is just what makes sense to me and makes me happy in my life.

13) I'm religiously offended by your personal beliefs. Duel to the death...with palm leaves! Five PM, the playground. Be there.

What would you list as your greatest personal or professional accomplishment to date? Why?

My greatest personal accomplishment is a two-parter and both are internal gaye things. One, I have come to a point of self-satisfaction. I no longer hate myself and I no longer question myself. I know who and what I am and it is satisfactory. Second, I recently grew to a point emotionally where I have been willing to open up. Open up, like, to other people. Like, maybe you know about That Guy I really really like. This is the first time in my life I have allowed myself the possibility of maybe having a relationship with a person that wasn’t platonic and superficial. Previously I have resigned myself to being unlovable. It’s really really really gaye buy seriously something big for me.

14) That's not "gaye" at all. That's actually fantastically healthy of you, and given your obvious intelligence, I think coming to this conclusion in your life was an absolute given. Get out there and be loved, woman! Speaking of forced relationships.....if you had to be stranded on a desert island with only ONE RKMBer, who would you choose and why?

Jake Burgess, UltimateJaburg53. We get along conversationally and have similar interests (although often for different reasons) but we don’t have to be in constant contact to be friends. I’m quite the loner by choice and I seriously cherish my alone-time.

15) And UJ goes up a notch on the popularity polls. Get you some!

So, recent thread rumblings in the Women's Forum about certain romantic crushes aside, what does 'love' mean to you? Have you ever been in love? How would you describe it?

Love is unconditional, honest, and respectful. Add romance and you go from “friendship” to “significant other.” I’ve never been in love but I love many people. I love my nephiews and niece, I love my sisters. I love my friends.

16) And I love your honesty. We all win.

You're asleep one night, and suddenly, a beam of white light beams you up to an orbiting, instellar spaceship. The short little greyish alien figures look down upon you, and ask: "Do we exist?" Why or why not?

Again, I really don’t care. If they exist, neat! If they don’t, oh well. If they exist I don’t think we’ll ever meet them… the universe is a vast expanse.

17) Titfucker!! It's not about what you want. I'm a guy! It's all about us! My needs are paramount, here. So, whether you care or not isn't the question. You just answer the question as I give it to you, and act like you're interested until I've caught my intellectual-nut and gone out for a smoke without even tossing you a towel. Got it, woman?!

Now that the sensitivity levels have been set, let's move on. In an attempt to get as irresponsibly personal as possible, I have to ask: what is your sexual preference? Women? Men? Both?

Okay, this is probably the only time I’ll be honest about this around here; it’s too much fun to pretend to be the hermaphroditic lesbian one-balled Russian drunk girl.

You've just crushed Pariah's fantasies...

When I think about sex, fantasize if you will, it’s always with a man.

...and now everyone elses, as well.

As for the real world I would have a hard time limiting myself to anyone or anything without meeting them and knowing them. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship and has never been a driving factor in my life. If I was in love with a girl (or, like I wish, a trans-male)...

Wait....Pariah's back in the game...

...I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff. Nobody’s perfect, right? What is sexuality? Uh… I have no idea. A person’s expression of sexual interest and intent? What attracts me to others? Personality, posture, convictions, voice, eyes, attitude. Stuff like that. I’ve never looked at anyone who’s “Hollywood handsome” and thought “I wanna meet that guy and maybe DO him!” but I have met people and loved their personality and thought “gee, this guy(…) really is kind of attractive isn’t he…”

18) Your answer for that was far too deep for us guys here. We're just going to pretend you do lots of women and let us watch, okay?

Now, if you could be remembered for one thing after you die, what would it be? This could be something you have or have not accomplished already. It could also be something you have no hopes of ever accomplishing, or not even feasibly possible. The choice is yours. Wildest dreams and all that.

I’m not a “goal” person. I want to be remembered as “that one girl” that people liked: unique, funny but an asshole, crusty and harsh on the outside but secretly a marshmallow.

19) Interesting. You're a smart lady. We all know that. So, why on earth do you keep coming here? What is it about this place that brings you back day-in and out? Any particular posters you wish to mention?

I like it here. It’s comfortable. I can be myself and not worry about offending someone or having to deal with pussyassholebuttheads. Particular posters? Uhmmm, I like Sneaky Bunny, she’s a good person no matter how hard she tries not to be. I like Burg for the above mentioned reasons. I like HarleyKwink because she helped me through some shit and still hung around to be friends afterwards. I like TK069 because he’s fun to chat with and was a gracious host when I visited California. Nowhereman’s fun to shoot the shit with. Danny’s cool. Reax is hot and cold, sometimes I like him and sometimes I don’t. BSAMS makes me laugh and so does MXY (moo!). Rob’s just this guy, you know? Pariah… it wouldn’t be the same without Pariah around. I almost never read what he has to say though. Animalman’s a good guy. Gayla is a douche but we luvs him anyhow. Balloonknot is worthy of a shout-out. I’m sure I’ve forgotten someone important so, if I remember later, fuck you.

20) In the legendary novels The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, author Douglas Adams states the answer to life, the universe, and everything is, simply, "42". What's your answer?


Find peace with yourself and life will be smooth and charmed.

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Reax is hot and cold, sometimes I like him and sometimes I don’t.

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Joe Mama said:
Even though she hates me, I think this is a great interview.

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Nowhereman said:
PJP hates Joe Mama!

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...it's twue...

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Uschi said:
Rob’s just this guy, you know?

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Prometheus said:
DAY-YUM! The women loooove The Walrus, don't they? Harley, Sneaky, CJ, and even you? Stephen! As Bones would say: "What is it with you, anyway??".

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Well, Devin, when you've got it, you've got it. And I've got it.

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PCG342 said:
I didn't get mentioned either.

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PJP said:

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PCG342 said:
I didn't get mentioned either.

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who the fuck are you?

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Uschi said:
moo!

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Prometheus said:
"I don't like to lose..."

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Rob Kamphausen said:
he says go that way!

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Danny said:

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Rob Kamphausen said:
he says go that way!

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We must go forward, not backward! Upward, not forward!

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Danny said:
He called me "Daniel"!

I'm in trouble!

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Captain Sammitch said:

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Prometheus said:
"I don't like to lose..."

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"I can't, I can't,
I can't stand losing..."

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"By the book?"

"By....the....book!"