Watching the sobbing fugitive Paris Hilton being returned to jail reminded me of those halcyon days when we used to spike Martin Hudson’s drink with date rape drugs. We would prop him up in a chair and make him play ‘Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness’ until he curled up in the fetal position and cried for hours.
Which brings me to ‘Tomb Raider Anniversary’. This remake of the first Tomb Raider game takes advantage of recent innovations in graphics, resulting in a Lara Croft who looks a lot less like a Picasso portrait made from tan Lego bricks. And yet in spite of these improvements, after only a few minutes of game play, I encountered a flaw so catastrophic that I was forced to make a booty call to Kirsten Dunst, just so I could vomit over her stupid squashed face in disgust.
Below is my correspondence with Eidos software, regarding this matter:
Quote:
Dear Eidos
I have just finished playing the demo of ‘Tomb Raider Anniversary’ and believe me when I say that I have discovered a serious bug that will sink this game commercially if it doesn’t get patched immediately.
As soon as the level started I was set upon by a pair of wolves. They began getting all up in my shit, so I capped their worthless canine asses. 30 seconds later the fuckers were nowhere to be seen. Their bodies had vanished. What the fuck?
By the way I did kill the wolves. I have screenshots to prove it.
- Mr Owl.
Quote:
Dear Mr Owl
Don’t worry, we believe you! No need to send screenshots!
What happened was that, while your back was turned, (or should I say while Lara’s back was turned!) the mortally injured wolves returned to their lair, where they later succumbed to their wounds. Rest assured that they suffered long and painful deaths as a result of your skilled gunplay and acrobatic leaping about.
Incidentally this response applies to all other animals you may have killed during the game.
- Brad.
Quote:
Dear Brad
If, as you claim, the wolves returned to their lair to die, then there would have been a trail of blood and internal organs leading to their final resting place. In fact there was no such trail. Furthermore when I searched cave where the wolves had sprung from (actually it’s more of a shallow alcove) I could find no sign of their bodies, nor any fissure in the rock through which they could have crawled.
Bullshit me again and I will end you.
- Mr Owl.
Quote:
Dear Mr Owl
Hey man, you got me. Actually what caused the bodies of the wolves to disappear so quickly was microbial action, accelerated by the balmy Peruvian climate. If you are running this game on a low end machine you will not get to see this decay in detail and the bodies will appear to evaporate into thin air.
I hope this clears things up for you.
- Brad.
The following day I went out and spent the $5000 that I had earned waiting tables on a kick ass computer. As soon as I got it home, I booted up ‘Tomb Raider Anniversary’ and, to my surprise, Brad was right. The microbial decay of the wolves was awesome. It may actually be the best thing in the game. On top of that there were many other details not available on lower graphical resolutions. For the first time in the Tomb Raider series I got a sense of just how awful Lara Croft’s cellulite is. At this high level of detail, the fur on the Brown Bear was obviously arranged in a pattern that resembled George Bush Jnr looking confused because someone has just asked him to name three animals that you might find living on a farm. Meanwhile in the big cavern, with the wooden cogs on the wall, a film crew from the National Geographic Channel were making a documentary on cave lichen.
I give this game 9/10 but only if your computer is worth over $5000. Otherwise I give it 2/15.
