Recent scientific advances in the combined fields of flagrant attention seeking and wanton whorishness, have, in turn, kindled great leaps forward in our understanding of the celebrity vagina. What once existed only as a theoretical concept is now a proven phenomena which can be detected using modern photographic equipment.
You may have seen an ordinary vagina in a magazine, on TV, at a Baptist church service, or on the internet. If you are a girl you may even have seen your own vagina. Celebrity vagina is different. It tastes of strawberries and smells of fragrant pine forests. These elusive phenomena exist in flashes, rapidly blinking in and out of existence in the manner of subatomic particles operating under the influence of powerful quantum forces.
Below I review three such vaginas, in each case giving a cursory description. It must be remembered that this particular branch of science is still in its infancy. Currently we know more about deep space than we do about the vaginas of many celebrities.
Britney Spears
On any girls’ night out, you can practically guarantee there will be one clueless bint who sinks a couple of margaritas and then spends the rest of the evening passed out on the shoulder of her overweight best friend. Later she will be left in the care of a complete stranger called Kyle, who works in sales, while her friend makes a desperate, last ditch attempt at pulling the barman.
Our first sighting of the Spears Minge, occurred in 2007, when conditions suddenly became favourable. However, our initial excitement soon turned to disappointment, the vagina, exhibiting none of the taut perkiness we had hypothesised in our lengthy mass debates on the subject. Instead the Spears Minge was seen slumped over to one side, as if it had either been knocked unconscious, or had taken an overdose of prescription painkillers. Britney may have been ready for a night of hard partying, but her vagina was out for the count and on the verge of dribbling all over itself.
Paris Hilton
You know the way that old people will sometimes chew the same piece of meat for minutes at a time until it becomes un-swallowable, at which point they will regurgitate it onto the side of their plate. There you have Paris Hilton’s vagina - a minge like pre-chewed, utility-grade beef.
In one photograph, a pale yellow cord can clearly be seen emerging from between the labia. There has been much speculation within the scientific community as to what this might be, with suggestions ranging from “a stray g-string” to “the safety cord on a tampon.”
In a recent paper, published in the esteemed scientific journal, Hustler, my friend and colleague, Professor Frank Anderton presents compelling evidence that this thin strip of material is in fact the cord which, when pulled, causes Paris Hilton to say “retarded shit”. Detach it, claims Anderton, and Hilton would “never again utter a single word from her stupid cunt mouth.”
It is my bold suggestion that we kill two birds with one stone and use the cord to sew Ms Hilton’s vagina shut.
Lindsay Lohan
The first time I saw Lindsay Lohan’s bountiful labia, compressed between her firm, tanned thighs, I was reminded of a lovingly prepared sandwich, overflowing with thick cuts of tender red meat. My first instinct was to run forward and take a bite out of it! I would certainly have done just that, had the terms of my restraining order not prevented me from coming within 40 feet of Ms Lohan without first having my jaw wired shut.
I will now take questions from the floor.
