RKMBs Forums .::Important::. Fortress of Awesome Chat Not so random interview:THE Bastard

Ok, so Pro is a lazy cunt these days, and even though I renounced my mod status in this forum, I still went ahead and did an interview.

If you like this, I might do more, but that all depends on you cunts as well.

For my first (and maybe only) interview, I started with an old school poster.
A poster who predates Robs Gay Boards, and in fact predates most of us in the real world as well, cause he is an old fuck!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you The Bastard!!!!


So, with the first question, we'll keep this pretty basic and tame.

Ok, now monkeys here know you as THE Bastard, or Bastie for short, and of course those of us who have known you a while knew you as Year of the bastard and First national bastard (oh wait a second, that second one wasnt you, that was some other cunt), but of course none of these are your real name.
So take this opportunity to introduce yourself.
Feel free to give your real name so Beardguy can stalk you, tell us where you live (so Beardguy can stalk you), how old you are and post a picture (so I can photoshop it in many amusing ways).

Anyway, just fucking tell us a bit about you........and none of that lieing shit about you being a player!

Okay...

My name is Calvin Brown.

I'm married with 2 kids; a boy age 4 and a girl age 16 months.

I live in the 'burbs of Cleveland, OH.

I turned 40 on June 11.

I'm the manager of a retail jewelry store.

I'm originally from Buffalo, NY.

I went to college in Pittsburgh, PA.

I'm 5'8" tall and I weigh 215 lbs.

I have 10 tattoos.

I've been reading comics since I was 6 years old and I have around 20,000 in my collection along with about 300 assorted TPBs/hardcovers. The Bat-Man is my fav'rit.

I was known as Year of the Bastard at the old DCMBs and at the original Anthanon.

I drink scotch. I'm partial to Johnnie Walker Black or Green.

I can bench press 315 lbs.

The last time I was in a fight, I broke the guy's jaw.

I'm very articulate...and clean.

what else do ya wanna know?

Ok, so once again we have a so called "man of colour" claiming he is articulate!
So what you are basically saying is, you are as white as Wednesday!

Anyway, we got all the boring shit outta the way, and lets face it, nobodies gonna read that part of the interview, so lets move on to the really interesting stuff!

Lets pretend for a second that you really are black.
You seem to have "connected" with Knutreturns since your return from wherever you was (prison I'm guessing).
What is it with "men of colour" that they seem to automatically hook up with other "men of colour", even on the internet?

Is it that you realise you are not good enough to hang with whitey?
(or orangey, in PJPs case)

Actually, it's part of a vast conspiracy to take over the world via the internet.

Very small independent cells of 2 or 3 articulate black men infiltrate geeky white boy dominated message boards such as this.

Phase one:

* break your resistance and gain your trust by posting hundreds of pics of nekkid white wimmens.


* present an easy going persona and become well liked by everyone...going so far as to create a catch phrase that gets everyone to agree with said poster i.e. rolling with.


* Finally, one comes in to present that stereotype that all white boys are skeered of and all white wimmens secretly lust for: The Fabled Huge Black Cock. This arrogant persona is the least articulate of the three and just don't give a fuck. He can get away with causing controversy across the boards...snarking with some people, flirting with others, subverting the will of some of the weaker crackas...slowly recruiting some over to The Dark Side



Phase one has been completed.

Phase six will end with all your wimmen fellating us for fifteen minutes and all you pale ass cracka wish-ya-coulds getting us our fuckin' sodas...

AND reparations.

The only one to be spared will be PJ...orange skin is close to brown skin. Once we have him on board, Rob will fall and this board will be ours. Me and Theo would have had Anthanon had Mobius not gone bug fuck and shut it done...

Ok, so its good to see that the drugs we put in your cornbread still give you delusions of grandeur! (isnt it time for you to clean the pool, the Mexicans are on holiday?).

Anyway, recently you have been at war with the German Giant Size Man Thing, called Uschi.
We all know that really you two wanna make fuck, and making fuck produces babies.
Is this all a plan to make some children (other than the two you already have), so you can sell them on the black market as slaves, cause I heard people can make a lot of money this way.
I myself considered it once, but the only woman that was up for it was Llance!

Uschi represents the ultimate combination of the old East German Olympic steroid program, the unified Germany's experimental Genetic manipulation program and Germany's long history of sado-masochism. It is the culmination of 7 decades worth of science, depravity and mental illness.

Uschi is the worlds first asexual, hermaphroditic mobile reproductive system. It was created to repopulate the world in the event of nuclear holocaust or gobal warming or something. It's actual designation is The U-Schiesse-in-Meiner-Offnung.
This translates to "U shit in my mouth". Uschi can either self pregnate or convert shit deposited in her mouth to the raw genetic material needed to produce offspring. As anyone who's seen it can attest, Uschi's cunt is unsuitable for actual penetration by any sane man, so the oral-fecal option is ideal for anyone wishing to produce geneticlly superior children. I plan to fly to Colorado in the fall and have explosive diarhea all over it's face. It will bear me many fine sons who will form the nucleus of The Fifth Reich...the Afro-Aryan movement. Our progeny will eventually replace the Illuminatti and Free Masons as the driving force behind the world's economy...

Uschi and I were keeping it a secret but we're to be married next spring.

So, your name is Calvin huh!
Didnt you used to have that as your surname and fly a helicopter for Thomas Magnum?

Anyway fuck that shit, lets get down to some more dirt dishing on other posters.

We know how much you love Uschi, and how you like to molest Knutreturns and Theo.

So which cunts here do you like more than others (feed a few egos here), and which cunts do you have little or no time for?

well, obviously, I like harley...she meets or exceeds many of the parameters I've set for casual sex partners; She's smart, apparently very pretty...I woundn't know since THERE ARE NO FUCKING PICTURES OF THE WOMAN...she's funny, she has great style and she is not one to be fucked with. She is a SERIOUS WOMAN. Most men on the board lust after her...but I have one advantage:

I'm me. They ain't.

Wednesday is me when I was in my early 20s. I find him to be funny, insightful and highly intelligent. If I wasn't better looking than him, I'd have to contemplate killing him to eliminate the competion.

BPT is cool. He consistantly brings the funny. That is always appreciated at 1 or 2 in the morning

Piggo is the dude. He was cool at The Manor and still is. Same with TK and Prometheus...though TK was funnier when he was PiccoloJr. I don't see aussie Dave that much anymore but, he will always be my road dawg...I can even overlook the sheep fucking.

I'm probably one of the few Dems cool with WonderBoy...I know him to be a thoughtful guy. I can overlook the casual racism because I don't think there's malice behind it...just ignorance.

In no particular order, I enjoy hanging out with PJP, Grimm, Sammitch, Joe Mamma, Lothar/URG, allan1, Mxy, beardguy, the other gay guy from Columbus and some others I can't be arsed to remember.

Sneaky is casual cool. I've missed all the nekkid pics that she's posted so I don't worship at the alter like so many others here. But she is funny. She usually doesn't respond to me so I don't know her well.

Uschi...I don't dislike her. I just think where some people insult to be funny, she insults to be a bitch and many times she happens to be funny. I will say this: I think she has surpassed bsams as the premier message board irratant of the NBs. She has a combination of inanity, cruelty and humour that most here can't match. The only one that comes close is You, Nowie...I respect Uschi. Even though I find her level of twuntery to be a bit too high for my tastes. I like her well enough to piss on her if she were on fire but, I wouldn't let her suck my dick...

There's no one here that I totally dislike...the closest would be g-man and pariah....maybe throw wbam in there as well. They argue just for the sake and then act like they are the wronged party when called on their bullshit. One of the best things bsams ever did was break g-man...some of the funniest shit I've ever seen. I don't think he'll ever recover. I also didn't like that bullshit involving Pro's wife...it was uncalled for.

Everybody else either doesn't really register of I don't know very well

You like Joe so much that you cant even spell his name right......BWAH HA HA!
Also, no mention of Kunthausen!

Anyway, thats enough of that gaypery, lets talk a little more about you.
I've heard you tell stories of your playa status, and your so called good looks, yet:
a.) you are married which goes against the playa ethic
B.) all the men you have been with say you have a tiny cock
c.) where are the pictures of you so I can photoshop them?

So, what makes you live in this delusional world where you think you are better than the rest of us, but you are really only a step up from rex because you actually tricked a girl into sleeping with you?



Whoopsie...I did ferget Gobbles. Not intentionally...I'm at work and I keep getting interupted what with actually having to do my job and stuff.

Rob is cool. His level of patience is approaching that of a kindergarden teacher. In some respects that's what he is having to deal with us all the time. That might have been his true calling..if it wasn't for the pedophilia and all.

The only time I've ever had an issue with him was when he banned me unfairly at the real DCMBs. His twuntery level reached red that time...most of the time he's at yellow so it's all good. I also like how he's become harsher these days. His insult ability has increased drastically. Seems Peejus has had a good influence on him. And of course his fellatio skills are unsurpassed.

I've never claimed to be good looking. As a matter of fact, I am probably worse looking than everyone here...except for rex. Oh and Wednesday.

Oh..it's true. I'm the most unattractive guy I know. That's why I know I have game...even though I look like a Down's Syndrome baby, I can still pull quality quim. Most of the time I don't even have to pay...

As far as being married goes...sooner or later we all get caught. Her kung fu was stronger than mine at the time. She beat me into submission...

Re: your second statement...how much stock are you gonna put into Llance and Franta's word? They both fat...like Orca fat. No matter how big the dick, it's like giving a whale a TicTac...

Give me you e-mail addy and I'll send you a couple of pics...

And I don't think I'm better than everyone here. Since almost everyone here is an alt of either you or Rob, I just need to be better than you two cunts...

Done and done.

It's not trickery to hit the skins. It's subtle manipulation and behavior modification. There are true psychological principles to being a playa. I'd teach you but, the Game is to sold, not told. You stop buying the kiddie porn and start saving up, I'll send you my upcoming book Mackaliciousness in 5 Easy Steps.

I'll stop buying kiddie porn when you stop selling it to me bitch!

Married is as married does, so please stop with the playa shit........its older than Llance and just doesnt wash anymore (strangely, just like Llance as well).

In real life you say you work in a jewellery store.
Now being that you are supposedly a coloured fella, I make two assumptions from this:
1) You are lying as black people dont have jobs (cept cleaning toilets n shit)
2) By "working" in a jewellery store, you actually mean you "rob" jewellery stores.

But if I decided to take your lies as fact, what made you go into this line of work?
Was it a dental decision?

Why'd I go into jewelry?

Dunno..just kinda fell into it.
My major in college was a dual of sociology and psychology. A major like that can only prepare you for 1 of 3 careers: Sales, pimpin' or lawyer.

IN sales, I'm around fewer criminals...

Well that was certainly boring.

Lets go for something a lil more interesting, and lets go with word association (this at least ties in with your college majors).
Simply say the first things that pop into your mind with the following words or names.

Internet
Oakley
Arse
Goth
Niggah
Kamphausen
Bitch
Speedy
Rap
Minge
rex
Star Trek
Gays




Fine....the real reason was so that i could rob then blind from the inside and frame my underlings for the heist.

Happy now...?

Cunt.



Internet - PORN
Oakley - TWAT
Arse - ROY
Goth - -AM
Niggah - NOT FAMILIAR WITH THIS WORD
Kamphausen - GAY CUNT
Bitch - ANTHAI
Speedy - MAN OF COLOUR, BOOKMARKING TWUNT
Rap - AHHHH...BACH
Minge - IT'S WHAT'S FER DINNER
rex - too easy. pass.
Star Trek - GREEN PUSSY
Gays - BAT-BOREDERS

Lets get deep and meaningful.

With the word association bollocks, I posted a word, with a very specific spelling, and you claimed not to have ever heard of it, but homestly, what is your opinion on its use and the use of the word it stems from?

For instance, I was watching the movie Coach Carter a few weeks ago, and in that, Samuel L believed there was no excuse for any coloured man to use that word, yet obviously, many others do not feel the same.

So, do you use the term?
How would you feel about your kids using the term?
And of course, how much power do you think the original term has these days?

Ok...seriousness amongst the bullshit....

For black people of a certain age...read: old like me...nigger is an unacceptable term. When I was growing up, the word was rarely used among black folks except in the most disparaging way. A black man calling another one nigger was definitely fighting words. I was a kid in the early 70s...not far removed from the Civil Rights movement. Black people were very concious of the word and its power. It would almost never be used in mixed company and NEVER, EVER used around white people.

AS time has passed, the strength of the word has been diluted. The overuse of the word in rap music has led to its casual inclusion in everyday conversation among all races. Usually in its bastardized form "nigga". Black folks use it self referentially and think nothing of it. We use it around white people like it's OK to do so. We use it so much that some white people think it's ok for them to use it. It's not.

Really, it's no OK period. However there is the double standard in play...for black folks it's like the pot calling the kettle black. You can only say it if you can be considered one. It's like a girl calling her friend a slut...if a guy says it then it's an insult but, between friends, it's acceptable. If WE say it, that's one thing. If a white person says it...even in jest...then it's something else entirely.

That last fight I got into that I mentioned earlier...? It was because a white kid called me nigger.

Do I say it? On occasion...usually in a familiar way. But it's not part of my everyday lexicon...no more than (I think) "cunt" is part of yours. I don't approve of its usage but, I admit to using it. Hypocritical? Yeah...but there it is.

As far as my kids go, my wife and I will strive to show them the true meaning of the word outside of rap music or those that use it in place of "Dude" or "Buddy" or whatever. I'll not raise them to say it but, I realize that they will be bombarded by the word on TV, in movies, in music and in their social circles. I expect that they'll use it similar to the way that I do. Would I prefer they didn't? Yes. but, it's too ingrained in popular vernacular to fool myself into thinking they won't.

The original word still holds a lot of power, especially among the PC crowd. A white guy will be sure to get into some shit if he says it in the wrong company. However, the word has been robbed of much of its shock value...especially among the younger generation. I'd like that to change but, I think it is too late to put the genie back in the bottle.

See, I can do deep and probing as well (no, not the same way Rob does it).

But now, after all that seriousness, I feel another deep and meaningful question coming on.

What does Sir David Hasselhoff mean to you and how has he touched your life?

Hasselhoff is quite simply the greatest thespian of our generation. The fact that his talents haven't been recognized properly in this country speaks volumes about the decline of the standards in American entertainment.

To say any more will cause me to get emotional. I'll not share what Mr. Hasselhoff has meant to me over the years. Suffice to say his fellatio skills approach Rob's.

That is all.

The Hoff is my chosen god, so I understand how emotional this question was.

Now onto a less emotional question, while sticking with the musical theme.

As per the stereotype act of 1975, all black men are required to like one or many of the following genres:Soul, R&B, Reggae & Rap
Now I'm sure you have chosen your required stereotypical music genre, but when you are alone, what other types of music float your boat?
Who would you classify as the most influential musical artistes throughout your life? (apart from his holiness the Hoff that is)

I like a lot of stuff though, of course, my main genres are the stereotypical "black" categories.

Basically I'll listen to anything except country.

I just can't get with the music much less the lyrics...

Off the top of my head, some of the more important artists in my life have been:

Marvin Gaye
Prince
Will Downing
Run-DMC
Biggie Smalls
Jay-Z
Teena Marie
MIchael Jackson
Grover Washington Jr.
BB King
Public Enemy
Quincy Jones

I have no idea who any of those people are.

Ok, I think its time to wrap this shit up, mainly cause I seem to be coming down with sympathy blackness as I just got the urge to rob an old lady of her pension.

Finally, to end this interview on a high note, tell me how great I am.

Of all the cunts I know, you are the cuntiest.

Ok, thanks for your time, feel free to fuck off now!

Heh....surprisingly well played.

I believe this may be stage 2 or 3 in the Harley conversion as well...

Do you still have your Alex ross art???

A splendid interview! Thanks, guys.

Ok, for whatever reason, that comment actually made me laugh out loud.

Fantastic interview. Bastie is articulate, but who knew Fred could be too? One of my fav'rit interviews by two of my favo'rit posters....

I was articulate?
When?

Don't worry, it only lasted for a moment - we don't expect you to ever be articulate again...

well played, bastie and nowie. this was a really good read.

you guys are as cute together now as you've always been!



refresh my awful memory here...

wuzzis over something specific?

I think Bastie is talking about the massive banning after the Great Bat-Boreds Raid of '00 (or: Theo's Greatest Birthday Present Ever). I'm also pissed at rob over that, because he didn't ban me along with the rest. It took me like an extra week to get banned there!

well done mentor. but next time dont lay so much of our evil plan out there. gobdamn, playas have to keep some things secret u know...

no kool aid, i'm disappointed.

For an interview with Bastard, there sure was a lot about me in it.

Incidently:
Married is as married does, so please stop with the playa shit........its older than Llance and just doesnt wash anymore (strangely, just like Llance as well).

That was hilarious.

Yeah Nowie had good questions. That Bastie twat...I dunno 'bout him.



It's the love that dare not speak it's name...



Yeah...but, I've gotten away from him over the years. I've actually gotten more into statues and toys. I buy anything Bat-Man and Joker related also anything to do with Kingdom Come.

And therein lies the problem....



Really...?
I figured I've been rapidly dropping down the list these days....

You know...the time you said CUNT.

That was the best bit...

Fixed it for you...

Yeah, he does look good with my dick in his mouth, doesn't he?



It was over some racist bullshit StGeorgeNYC spammed Kenya's email accounts with back in the day. I posted links to it over at the Planetary boards where he posted regularly to show all his buddies exactly what kind of dickhead they were dealing with...got into a pissing match with a several posters...they whined to you when I clowned them and you banned me.

I was totally justified for what I did. Kenya was a friend and you don't EVER fuck with my friends. Not in real life, not here. You even apologized to me at The Manor a coupla days later cuz you knew you'd been a twunt. You were just doin' yer job and all but, by the time you banned me, I was all done with it.

You banned me like 5 or 6 times but, that one caused me to abandon the DCMBs for probably 6 or 8 months.

Beer Foamy.

Moorg has spoken.

I wasn't down with the NBz yet, so I missed all that good shit. I wasn't around for OPPT forum either. I think I was the first outsider to make my way to The Manor...chasing after Dru and Butter, of course...this was I think in late August of 2000. The Bat-Bored Banning was I think in the beginning of June or July

Don't worry, roadie...I didn't tell them about the optical virus we planted on the YouTube clips...

The only flavor kool-aid Nowie knows is Guiness.

That shit's like drinking bread....

oh ok....





wait...

The Obsession, much like Star Trek's mission, is ongoing...



Yeah...and really ironical as you may well know.

Heh....silly knurkel. It's like weapons of mass destruction; as long as we get them looking for that, they never find the REAL shit.

terrorism 101, playboy...stick with me and we will run this shit.

I mostly meant the Llance joke, but I don't see any irony in you getting called on the carpet for being an old pervert whore "player."

Oh. My bad...

Those that know, don't tell...

ok, i kinda remember that. georgie and a few others were also nuked. all the same reason. i think george even showed up here like 6 months later.

but yeah, i understood why y'did whatcha done. the job for me was never about the justification, just getting rid of all the non-peachy keen posts.

and many of the coloreds.



the banning there was totally justified.

his name is batman, and you all deliberately kept calling him "the bat-man". it was insulting and belittling and racist and fucking clown shoes.

i cry a little bit about that, stil.

Ah so that's why Not Mxy and people do that.

fucking. clown shoes.

And it's still like nails on a chalkboard to this day.

Yeah...you did yer job. I was off topic, disruptive and abusive. But when you admitted your twuntery, I was vindicated.

Bastie wins again.



Coloured. Get it right, you twick.



THE BAT-MAN.

fuck a bunch of clown shoes.

See above.

That's what you get Banner thief...

just keep posting PI...

Greatest interview of! all!! time!!!

Great interview on both sides. Nowhereman is Prometheus without the smokin' wife but with awful ginger hair, a bad attitude, and Rob's cock in his arse. The Bastard is Bill Cosby without the bad sweaters or the inexplicable white daughters. Fascinating stuff.

You are just the way I likes my wimmens, sammitch...you have really low standards.

Couldn't I be Dave Chappelle without the crack pipe and mental problems?

(Oh and my wife is mixed so my kids are very light...my daughter is lighter than any of Cosby's kids.)