What's the C.A.T.C.H.?
King Snarf vs. Johnny Evil
*We come back to from a video recap of the history between Joe Mama and Captain Sammitch to see King Snarf in the ring, microphone in hand!*
King Snarf: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Get ready, for you're about to witness history unfold as the first ever C.A.T.C.H is about to start!
But first, I would like to thank everyone who sent well-wishes these past few weeks regarding my relative who'd taken ill. The doctors gave him some topical cream for his infected hangnail, and expect him to be once more picking his nose!
*King Snarf is interrupted as Johnny Evil's music hits, and Johnny Evil himself appears at the top of the ramp!*
Johnny: Alright, enough of this feel good crap! What's the C.A.T.C.H. already?
KS: Hold on there, Johnny! When you and your band of rapscallions attacked me, I was angry. I wanted to beat the ever-loving snot out of each and every one of ya! But then, I got to thinking. You can't fight evil with anger. That begins a circle of violence that'll consume you. So I asked myself "Self, how does one fight evil?" So, I thought, and thought, then had a refreshing margarita, then thought some more. And that's when I found my answer. And once I had found my answer, I began to devise the RDCW's newest match concept, the C.A.T.C.H.! Y'see, you can't fight evil with anger, hatred, suffering, fear, Rice Krispies, or anything like that. No, no. The only thing that can truly triumph over evil....
Is LOVE!
Marcum: Love?!?
KS: That's right, love! And so Johnny, I hereby challenge you to the C.A.T.C.H.- the Chairman Approved Tournament of Carefree Hugging!
Monroe: ... I am at a loss for words.
KS: The rules are quite simple. We each take turns, hug the opponent, and say, "I love you!" This continues until one gets sick of it and quits.
JE: Uh... No offense, but that sounds kind of gay...
KS: Well, Johnny, may I ask you what's so gay about two men sharing a platonic embrace? If I didn't know better, I'd say someone wasn't comfortable with his sexuality. In fact, I'll go so far as to say YOU ARE GAY!
JE: I'm not gay!!
KS: You're last name's Evil, right? According to the Republicans, there's nothing more evil than the gays....
JE: I am NOT GAY!!
KS: Then prove it by getting in this ring and hugging another man!
Marcum: That's perfectly logical!
JE: Can't I just chase you around with a hammer instead?
*Johnny looks flustered as the fans chant "You are gay! You are gay!" He then steels himself, and heads to the ring. JE climbs into the ring, but backs away from Snarf‘s open armed approach. He points at Snarf and asks for a mic.*
JE: I’m not hugging you!
KS: What? Why not?
JE: You. . .you’ve got an erection!
KS: Well, I just woke up ten minutes ago. But may I ask what an alleged straight man is doing noticing the state of another man's junk??? You say you want to be the king king, but you seem more like the queen queen!
*Johnny looks flustered and then comes into the ring....*
KS: Hold on there, Johnny. You don't have to do this. You can still be Queen Queen. You can throw a fancy gala, and all the lords and ladies dressed in there gay finery can marvel over your extravagant evening gown!
JE: Can we just do this please?
KS: Very well! Johnny, being a gentleman, I shall let you begin.
Johnny does a quick "guy hug", maybe touching King Snarf with one arm, and mumbles something.
KS: That was the most pathetic attempt at hugging someone I've ever seen! My turn!
King Snarf throws a big hug to Johnny, like the kind Colossus would give Nightcrawler
KS: I love you! *pause for applause* There, ya see? Your turn.
Johnny tries again, this time with a bit more enthusiam
JE: I LOVE you, maaaaaaaaaan!
KS: ... Johnny, you're not getting my Bud Light.
The two pause for a moment, and then chuckle heartily over this obscure pop culture reference.
KS: Ah-ha-ha-ho.... My turn, again....
King Snarf hugs Johnny once more, this time with a quick side-to-side wiggle of the pelvis.
KS: I wuuuuuuuuuuuuv you!
Without pausing, Johnny performs his most enthusiastic hug yet. At the end, he grabs King Snarf's face with both hands and plants a quick smooch on the lips!
Monroe: Good lord!
King Snarf looks flabbergasted for a moment.
KS: Why Johnny.... Of course you realize this ups the ante considerably!
King Snarf them grabs Johnny much how Rhett would grab Scarlett, and then proceeds to lay a kiss on another man in a fashion vaguely reminiscent of that one scene in "Talladega Nights". After it's done, Johnny looks flustered as the crowd hoots. He holds up a finger as if to say "Hold for a moment" and then pulls a tube of chapstick out from his pocket. After applying the mint flavored lip balm, he puckers his lips in a practice fashion and then starts toward King Snarf...
KS: Hold on there, Johnny. I'm sure you and I could go on like this all night, considering both of us seem to have a high threshold for withstanding shame, but there's the audience to consider! I'm not sure how much more of this fans...
Right here in the CHEESEDOME... *pause for cheap pop* Can take. What say we call this a draw?
*King Snarf then extends his hand in a gesture of friendship, which Johnny shakes. The crowd cheers, mostly because they now no longer have to watch two allegedly straight men kiss.*
KS: Okay then! Ref, getcher ass over here and raise both our hands!
*Before RDCW Official Horace Picklefeather can do this however, a crappy emo cover of "Hail to the Chief" plays over the speakers. The Gay-Man has appeared at the top of the ramp and makes his way down to the ring...*
Marcum: The Gay-Man? What does he want? Doesn't he have some same-sex marriage in Boston to protest?
*The conservative curmudgeon enters the ring, with mic in hand!*
Gay-Man: Alright, I'm here to shut down this redneck fiasco that passes for entertainment. I've had some things on my mind regarding this shameful, sin-ridden farce that I'm going to share with you schmucks! *Crowd boos* Now, I was watching Hannity & Colmes the other night, and they said....
KS: Hold on there, Gay-Man, I think I see where you're going with this. It's something of a sore topic, and all you're really going to do is anger up some people. Maybe out of respect for those personally touched by the tragic events of the past month, maybe you shouldn't really say anything right now. *Crowd applauds this show of dignity and common sense*.
GM: Respect? Feh! I don't respect anybody! In fact, I have a constitutional right to say whatever cockamamie rhetoric I feel like! *Crowd boos*
KS: You know folks, as much as I hate to say it, he's right. This fine country guarantees the Gay-Man to say whatever he likes, no matter how assinine! *Crowd boos*
GM: Woo-hoo! Do I ever have some assinine things to say!
Marcum: No!
Monroe: I don't like it either, Marcum, but Snarf has a point. It may stick in my craw like an overripe persimmon, but that lunatic can say damn near anything!
*Amidst thunderous crowd boos, the Gay-Man starts to prance around the ring, rattling off various "insights"...
GM: Wrestlers are drugged up psychopaths! Homos oughtta be put in camps! Midgets should be shot into space! All those people in Harlem...
*The Gay-Man is cut off mid-prance by King Snarf, who stops Gay-Man's movement cold with a mere finger to the chest*
KS: Hold up there, Gay-Man. I. Wasn't. Finished. You may have the right to express yourself, but so do all these people. And also, so does the esteemed Mr. Evil and myself. More to the point, here in the CHEESEDOME... *pause for cheap pop* There's an RDCW corollary to that First Amendment that says that Johnny and myself can express ourselves by kicking your ASS!
*The Gay-Man looks scared as this recieves thunderous applause and cheers from the crowd*
Marcum: I love this country!
KS: ... But we're not going to just go and kick your ass.
*The crowd is disappointed and Johnny Evil looks sad*
JE: We're not? We're not gonna chase him with hammers?
KS: No, Johnny. To just go and assault the Gay-Man, no matter how much of a douche' he's being, would reek of tyranny and oppression. Which is why we're going to handle this in a democratic fashion. We're going to let this be decided... BY THE PEOPLE! *Crowd cheers*
Monroe: Uh-oh, this doesn't bode well for the Gay-Man!
KS: All you fans here who want to see us kick the Gay-Man's ass, gimme a "Fuck Yeah!"
Crowd: Fuck yeah!
JE: I don't think King Snarf heard you! He said everyone here who wants to see the Gay-Man get his ass kicked, gimme a "Fuck Yeah!"
Crowd: FUCK YEAH!
KS: There you have it, Gay-Man! The people have spoken!
*Snarf and Johnny can administer the well-deserved beating, a gang of ten or so Republican thugs wearing Nixon masks storm the ring!*
Monroe: It's the Gay-Man's goon squad!
Marcum: No fair! King Snarf is the only one who's allowed to bring a band of ridiculous clowns to the ring!
*The numbers game is no match for Johnny Evil and King Snarf, as they fend off their attackers with uncanny physical prowess! The soon start throwing punk-asses over the top rope, left and right!*
Monroe: Their by God cleaning house!
*The former adversaries quickly clear the ring and begin to mug for the audience. However, the failed to notice that the Gay-Man and an accomplice have re-entered the ring behind them, brandishing steel chairs!*
Monroe: Oh, no! The Gay-Man and his conservative cohort are about to lay a hurtin' on Snarf and Johnny!
Marcum: Cohort? You mean that Asian woman?
Monroe: That's no Asian woman! That's Pervriah! Turn around fellas, for Gob's sake, turn around!
*The two turn, but too late, as they both get a chair shot between the eyes. Snarf and Johnny go down, as Gay-Man and Pervriah drop the chairs andd start to pose for the crowd amidst thunderous boos. However, they fail to notice that the chair shots had no ill effect as Snarf and Johnny quickly spring to their feet and ready some chair shots of their own....*
Monroe: Those two nuts think the crowd is cheering for them! They'd best turn around, or they're gonna get a taste of their own medicine!
Marcum: This is gonna be great!
*The Gay-Man and Pervriah turn and both recieve thunderous chair shots to the head! Their unconscious bodies fall to the canvas as the crowd roars with approval! Red, white, and blue confetti and balloons start to fall from the ceiling, a giant American flag unfurls from the rafters, and Neil Young's "Rockin' in the Free World" starts to play over the speakers as Johnny and Snarf start to pose for the crowd!*
Marcum: This is great! And so spontaneous and unrehearsed!
Monroe: It's truly been a raucous evening so far, and Scammiversary is far from over!
*Fade to footage of Robin Lucious and Joey Biles backstage interviewing Balls Nasty for an RDCW.com exclusive!*
