a handful of amazon mix - noodles dried peas and nuts a slim fast meal bar and bbq chicken and grilled potatoes
What'd you do? Put it all in the blender and then stuck a straw in it?
Two words: "Baby Bird."
whomod said: I generally don't like it when people decide to play by the rules against people who don't play by the rules. It tends to put you immediately at a disadvantage and IMO is a sign of true weakness. This is true both in politics and on the internet."
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
I'll uh, let joe explain since i'm not sure if that's where he was going.
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
sangria. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall afternoon. yay office holiday lunch party! woooooooooooooooo!
Dear, sweet Harley Kwink...I'm madly in love with you. Marry me! We can go to Canadia. Or Boston or something. It'll be grand...You know the cookies are a given. They are ALWAYS a given. You could dump me tomorrow and you'd still get the cookies. Boston..shit, wherever dyke weddings were legalized. And where better to rub their little piggie noses in how bad they suck than right on their doorstep? What are they gonna do? Be jealous of you? Stare furiously at your tah-tahs? Not willingly give you cookies, but instead begrudgingly give you their cookies? Woman, time to wake up to the powers you wield - Uschi
I saw eighteen new posts in this thread and that harley's name was the most recent one and figured she might have given a running tally of beverages on the day so far.
but would she do it in picture form? with that cops pixel grid filter?
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
I went to the D-Sham and got coffee: 20oz mug at 11 seconds of French Vanilla crappercino and topped off with Espresso Roast.
Tomorrow I have to do a stand-up routine for 'What's Funny?' class and I plan to stop by a liquor store first. I hate performances.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
I tried making up a lot of jokes, but it's hard to make up a huge string of one-liners. So I wrote out a huge story-like spiel that's somewhat humerous. And my number one plan is a misdirection single joke that I'm gonna try to go with, just a single big punchline.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
I'll uh, let joe explain since i'm not sure if that's where he was going.
Thank you, sweetie.
It's eggnog, by the way.
Uschi said: I won't rape you, I'll just fuck you 'till it hurts and then not stop and you'll cry.
MisterJLA: RACKS so hard, he called Jim Rome "Chris Everett." In Him, all porn is possible. He is far above mentions in so-called "blogs." RACK him, lest ye be lost!
"I can't even brush my teeth without gagging!" - Tommy Tantillo: Wank & Cry, heckpuppy, and general laughingstock
I tried making up a lot of jokes, but it's hard to make up a huge string of one-liners. So I wrote out a huge story-like spiel that's somewhat humerous. And my number one plan is a misdirection single joke that I'm gonna try to go with, just a single big punchline.
Robert klein, horrible bit...bleh.
really your having that much of a problem? i'd think that it would be easy for you.
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
I'll uh, let joe explain since i'm not sure if that's where he was going.
Thank you, sweetie.
It's eggnog, by the way.
i haven't been able to drink that stuff since.
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
I tried making up a lot of jokes, but it's hard to make up a huge string of one-liners. So I wrote out a huge story-like spiel that's somewhat humerous. And my number one plan is a misdirection single joke that I'm gonna try to go with, just a single big punchline.
Robert klein, horrible bit...bleh.
really your having that much of a problem? i'd think that it would be easy for you.
I can roll jokes when I'm not on-stage, but when I'm expected to perform my testicles shrivel right up and I stutter like a gimp.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
I tried making up a lot of jokes, but it's hard to make up a huge string of one-liners. So I wrote out a huge story-like spiel that's somewhat humerous. And my number one plan is a misdirection single joke that I'm gonna try to go with, just a single big punchline.
Robert klein, horrible bit...bleh.
really your having that much of a problem? i'd think that it would be easy for you.
I can roll jokes when I'm not on-stage, but when I'm expected to perform my testicles shrivel right up and I stutter like a gimp.
then get loaded and heckle people
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
Thing is, I hate all my material. None of it seems too entertaining. Maybe I should do more shocking stuff.
I can start out with the cat joke like I planned
Quote:
Okay, before I start I just gotta say this one thing. It's really been on my back all day, I just gotta get it out before I go on with the funny stuff, 'k? Okay, so I was backing out of my driveway this morning and there was a kinda bump. Like when you run over the newspaper or something. Well, we've got a long driveway and with the snow I figured I'd toss the paper closer to the door for my family. I get out of the car and it's not a fucking paper; it's Mrs.Jenkins' cat. I ran over the neighbor's fucking cat. And not just it's leg or something, this thing is -- it's gone. So, fuck. So I get a towel and a box -- I just got some christmas presents in the mail, so lucky I had something -- and I wrap the thing up. I mean its REALLY a mess; I wrap it up and take it over to Mrs.Jenkins house. I mean, I feel like shit. Mrs. Jenkins is one of those crazy old ladies and she LOVES this stupid cat. I mean, she makes it wear clothes and shit. Has this little, pink, sweat-pants suit it wears. No fucking kidding. So, I'm thinking this is gonna be tough -- oh, and I didn't mention, but her husband? Her husband died six months ago. YEAH. This cat was, like... everything in the world that she had. Yeah. Man, I felt like shit. So I went over to her house and knocked on the door. She answers it and I'm all, "Hi there, Mrs.Jenkins. I, uh... I don't know how to tell you this. I'm really sorry; I accidentally ran over your cat this morning..." She's all, "is she okay? where's Jasmine?" and I hand her the box and she just Freaks.Out. So I'm trying to be all nice and comfort her and stuff and I'm all, "is there anything I can do to make this up to you? I mean, I know I can't bring Jasmine back, but maybe I could give you some money or take you to the shelter and we could get another cat--" No. No, she doesn't *want* another cat, she wants THIS cat. I'm all, I KNOW, but I can't do that. What can I do to make this less bad? And she's all, "okay I'll take the money," and I'm all, fine, how much? She said, "Five thousand dollars." Five THOUsand dollars? I was thinking maybe $100, $200 tops. I said, "Mrs.Jenkins, I know the cat meant that much to you, but that's unreasonable! It's just some mangy cat, not even a purebred anything!" She said again, five thousand dollars. Now I'm getting kinda pissed off; I have to get to school, I have finals -- the woman won't.Budge. I guess we got pretty loud because *someone* called the cops. And can you believe it? They gave me a ticket! A freakin' TICKET! *milk that until someone asks "What'd you get the ticket for?" Debating the price of pussy on a street corner.
Ha ha ha, man... Okay, okay... but this one you won't even believe.
Quote:
I was driving on hwy 84 last summer, coming home from some concert up in Denver at 2:30 in the morning. I think it was Rancid when they came to the Ogdon. Anyone know Rancid? No? Okay, well... y'all suck. But anyway, so I'm on US84 and NObody is around. I come to this stopsign, but there is NO ONE, so I just kinda roll through it, you know? No harm, right? Well, out of fucking NOwhere comes a fucking cop! Lights, siren, the whole bag. So he pulls me over and tells me I'm getting a ticket for failing to stop at the stop sign. I'm, y'know, I'm stupid so I'm all, "Oh, come on! I slowed down, it's the same thing!" The cop just looks at me for a second and then whips out his night-stick and starts beating me on the shoulders and stomach and shit! Yeah! Fucking hell! So I'm all, "Ow! Freakin' cut it OW! Knock it off! Stop it! Stop!" And the cop says, "so, you want me to stop or slow down?"
Ha ha ha! Classic!
Quote:
Hey, what do you call a cop at Oktoberfest? A Pig and a Polka!
ha ha ha, no? I love puns. Speaking of,
Quote:
There's two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "hey. Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" and the other says, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Ha ha ha, okay maybe you have to be drunk for that one. Puns, buns, muffins... ... what else.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
Okay, I timed a run through, that's about five minutes worth. That'll do.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
nothing pulled from your asploding engine? or about being pasty and fat? darn.
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
nothing pulled from your asploding engine? or about being pasty and fat? darn.
I kinda wanted to, but the people in class are kinda... they're theater-fags. On dead-baby-joke day they didn't laugh. Some of them even left.
It's hard to come up with jokes, point blank. Give us a hand and I will definitely go for it though.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
nothing pulled from your asploding engine? or about being pasty and fat? darn.
I kinda wanted to, but the people in class are kinda... they're theater-fags. On dead-baby-joke day they didn't laugh. Some of them even left.
It's hard to come up with jokes, point blank. Give us a hand and I will definitely go for it though.
a pentacostal church reminds you of a rave. two guys in teh back with glow sticks "ja-ja-jesus!"
when you drink your scared of food with faces. little debbie, quaker oats man, misses butterworth, the shit comes outta her head! you hide her in the back of the fridge for she keeps moving to the fucking front of the fridge. she's the fucking rosa parks of condiments. you're scared a gang war is going to start in your fridge. everythings gonna beat up on the white milk. half and half doesn't know which side its on. one day you'll open it and there'll be a half empty box of baking soda and some chicken, "*snort* i didn't do it".
kebler elves also scare you but that's just cause its eight male midgets living in a tree...packing fudge.
yeah that's all i'm giving up.
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
Hey there, hi! How are we all doing today? Good? Great. I see Leah brought us all pizza...
Thank fucking god. That's got to be the hardest part of this class, all semester. Waiting for it to get out so I can go eat lunch. Just sitting there, watching Charlie Chaplin and the big guy eatin' on a boot... 'Man, I want some too. Pass a little bit of that over here, yeah?'
You know, it's almost Christmas. You know what that means? Pie. Everywhere is pie. I love pie. Some of y'all are going out, buying presents for your boyfriend or girlfriend... I'm buying presents for my pies. 'Hey there, Pumpkin! I got you a gift! It's a new dress for you. I call it 'whipped cream.' Go ahead, try it on! I won't peak! Give us a kiss.'
So, I'm quite the chunky monkey. I'm a bit of a punker too, but you know? The two don't really mix too well. You see a girl with a mohawk and you think, "oh, she's punk rock." You see a girl with a 40" waist and you think, "oh damn, she loves pie." You see the two in combination and you think, "oh damn, she loves a *different* kind of pie!"
Everywhere I go, people ask me if I'm gay. Well, that is, they ask if I'm gay after they call me 'sir' for a while. You know, there's really nothing wrong with being gay... I like being happy too. No, for serious, there's nothing wrong with sexxing up anyone of any gender -- in fact, I think homosexuals are better 'cause they don't reproduce. You see a couple of fags you don't like, hey it's okay! They will eventually die. You meet a couple breeders, though... man, you gotta put up with their progeny. And if they're religious? Shit, you'll be stuck with more assholes than there are stars in the sky, a whole new nation of Abraham.
I'm not a very religious person, myself. I'm agnostic, which is sort-of like being a scientist -- I don't believe in anything. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against the faithful, it's just... sometimes religion makes people do really stupid things. Like those extremist Islamics. "You insult Muhammad! I'm so angry I could just *BOOM*"
Or take this: My mom is super-catholic. I mean... she's practically Jesuit. That's, like, the Nazi S.S. for Jesus. Now, my mom's pretty level-headed, she's an intelligent woman. But some of her friends? They are WAY too gung-ho for anyone's good. She has these friends that have, maybe, eight kids. Not one of her goddamn kids has any manners. They all just run around like little Tarzan children, fucking stuff up. And, get this: with every kid, Every One! She has some sort of life-threatening complication during pregnancy. She's even died for a few minutes at least once... So the oldest kid is 13 or something, and the youngest is still in diapers. Mom called me last week, "Good news! Carol is pregnant again! She's in the hospital though, 'cause she's started bleeding..." Mother of God. These are the poster-children for condoms. "Stupid people propagate needlessly! Buy Trojan!"
But that might tip the scales, you know? If people who are smart enough to forgo having kids DO stop reproducing... we will be a country of blithering idiots in no time, right? Well, the way I see it, we already are. We just also have a smattering of people that know it and can't do jack shit about it. If you look at the numbers, I'd say about 60% of America is already moronic beyond all capacity. I mean, seriously: 51% voted George W. Bush in for a second term. 9% more STILL left hanging chads.
Man, that election was quite a farce, wasn'it? It was the first year I got to vote for president. I turned 18 the February after 'W' was voted in the first time. I was so excited... but did you look at the candidates we had to choose from? I mean *really* look? Every one of them was a total waste! Sure there were the big two, Bush and Kerry... but there were some 9 or so others. I went through that little book... "John Smith, 84 -- His main goals are, 'My first order as president will be to reinstate prohibition.'" *draw line in air, crossing out* Nope.
Man, I like alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to get drunk. But I love alcohol, always have. When I was a baby, man... "Fuck milk! Brink on the whiskey tits!"
I go up to Denver and watch hockey, you like hockey? Yeah, well... y'all are pussies. Hockey is great! You get bare-knuckle fights, check. Ice-skates, check. Whacking at shit with sticks, check. Non-stop action, check. That's, like... the U.F.C. meets the Ice Capades meets baseball meets Nascar! What's not to like?
I go and watch the Avalanche play at the Pepsi Center. Nothing pisses me off more, man -- I go during intermission to refuel: get some nachos, get a drink. Bartender asks, "What can I get you?" I say, "Jack 'N Coke." Every time, EVERY time motherfucker says, "ha ha ha! You mean jack and PEPSI!" Get it? 'cause it's the Pepsi Center and they don't sell Coke products. Somehow the bartender, regardless of who it is, they always say that and laugh. No, goddamnit. I want a jack and coke. No pepsi. Pepsi tastes like dinosaur piss. So they ask if I want a jack and Pepsi and I usually end up with two minutes in the penalty box for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Alright, I'm gonna peace out now. Thanks for listening. Laugh more for the rest of these suckers! Tschus.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
nothing pulled from your asploding engine? or about being pasty and fat? darn.
I kinda wanted to, but the people in class are kinda... they're theater-fags. On dead-baby-joke day they didn't laugh. Some of them even left.
It's hard to come up with jokes, point blank. Give us a hand and I will definitely go for it though.
a pentacostal church reminds you of a rave. two guys in teh back with glow sticks "ja-ja-jesus!"
when you drink your scared of food with faces. little debbie, quaker oats man, misses butterworth, the shit comes outta her head! you hide her in the back of the fridge for she keeps moving to the fucking front of the fridge. she's the fucking rosa parks of condiments. you're scared a gang war is going to start in your fridge. everythings gonna beat up on the white milk. half and half doesn't know which side its on. one day you'll open it and there'll be a half empty box of baking soda and some chicken, "*snort* i didn't do it".
kebler elves also scare you but that's just cause its eight male midgets living in a tree...packing fudge.
yeah that's all i'm giving up.
Goddamn! Is that you or did you rip from someone else?! That's good! One after another.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
nothing pulled from your asploding engine? or about being pasty and fat? darn.
I kinda wanted to, but the people in class are kinda... they're theater-fags. On dead-baby-joke day they didn't laugh. Some of them even left.
It's hard to come up with jokes, point blank. Give us a hand and I will definitely go for it though.
a pentacostal church reminds you of a rave. two guys in teh back with glow sticks "ja-ja-jesus!"
when you drink your scared of food with faces. little debbie, quaker oats man, misses butterworth, the shit comes outta her head! you hide her in the back of the fridge for she keeps moving to the fucking front of the fridge. she's the fucking rosa parks of condiments. you're scared a gang war is going to start in your fridge. everythings gonna beat up on the white milk. half and half doesn't know which side its on. one day you'll open it and there'll be a half empty box of baking soda and some chicken, "*snort* i didn't do it".
kebler elves also scare you but that's just cause its eight male midgets living in a tree...packing fudge.
yeah that's all i'm giving up.
Goddamn! Is that you or did you rip from someone else?! That's good! One after another.
that's me doll. i've been working on stuff.i'd offer you the line about the korean doctor who made me feel her face...but it wouldn't work.
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
Hey there, hi! How are we all doing today? Good? Great. I see Leah brought us all pizza...
Thank fucking god. That's got to be the hardest part of this class, all semester. Waiting for it to get out so I can go eat lunch. Just sitting there, watching Charlie Chaplin and the big guy eatin' on a boot... 'Man, I want some too. Pass a little bit of that over here, yeah?'
You know, it's almost Christmas. You know what that means? Pie. Everywhere is pie. I love pie. Some of y'all are going out, buying presents for your boyfriend or girlfriend... I'm buying presents for my pies. 'Hey there, Pumpkin! I got you a gift! It's a new dress for you. I call it 'whipped cream.' Go ahead, try it on! I won't peak! Give us a kiss.'
So, I'm quite the chunky monkey. I'm a bit of a punker too, but you know? The two don't really mix too well. You see a girl with a mohawk and you think, "oh, she's punk rock." You see a girl with a 40" waist and you think, "oh damn, she loves pie." You see the two in combination and you think, "oh damn, she loves a *different* kind of pie!"
I don't know what i'd do if i didn't have big boobs. if you have big boobs i think you should lick them every day. i run and down stairs licking them one at a time!. you don't see me sitting somewhere covering them up in a sweatshirt...not licking 'em like other girls.
i LOVE fat people. there's like nothing better than the shade of a fat girls ass whilst in line at the amusment park. Everywhere I go, people ask me if I'm gay. Well, that is, they ask if I'm gay after they call me 'sir' for a while. You know, there's really nothing wrong with being gay... I like being happy too. No, for serious, there's nothing wrong with sexxing up anyone of any gender -- in fact, I think homosexuals are better 'cause they don't reproduce. You see a couple of fags you don't like, hey it's okay! They will eventually die. You meet a couple breeders, though... man, you gotta put up with their progeny. And if they're religious? Shit, you'll be stuck with more assholes than there are stars in the sky, a whole new nation of Abraham.
I'm not a very religious person, myself. I'm agnostic, which is sort-of like being a scientist -- I don't believe in anything. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against the faithful, it's just... sometimes religion makes people do really stupid things. Like those extremist Islamics. "You insult Muhammad! I'm so angry I could just *BOOM*"
Or take this: My mom is super-catholic. I mean... she's practically Jesuit. That's, like, the Nazi S.S. for Jesus. Now, my mom's pretty level-headed, she's an intelligent woman. But some of her friends? They are WAY too gung-ho for anyone's good. She has these friends that have, maybe, eight kids. Not one of her goddamn kids has any manners. They all just run around like little Tarzan children, fucking stuff up. And, get this: with every kid, Every One! She has some sort of life-threatening complication during pregnancy. She's even died for a few minutes at least once... So the oldest kid is 13 or something, and the youngest is still in diapers. Mom called me last week, "Good news! Carol is pregnant again! She's in the hospital though, 'cause she's started bleeding..." Mother of God. These are the poster-children for condoms. "Stupid people propagate needlessly! Buy Trojan!"
But that might tip the scales, you know? If people who are smart enough to forgo having kids DO stop reproducing... we will be a country of blithering idiots in no time, right? Well, the way I see it, we already are. We just also have a smattering of people that know it and can't do jack shit about it. If you look at the numbers, I'd say about 60% of America is already moronic beyond all capacity. I mean, seriously: 51% voted George W. Bush in for a second term. 9% more STILL left hanging chads.
Man, that election was quite a farce, wasn'it? It was the first year I got to vote for president. I turned 18 the February after 'W' was voted in the first time. I was so excited... but did you look at the candidates we had to choose from? I mean *really* look? Every one of them was a total waste! Sure there were the big two, Bush and Kerry... but there were some 9 or so others. I went through that little book... "John Smith, 84 -- His main goals are, 'My first order as president will be to reinstate prohibition.'" *draw line in air, crossing out* Nope.
Man, I like alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to get drunk. But I love alcohol, always have. When I was a baby, man... "Fuck milk! Brink on the whiskey tits!"
I go up to Denver and watch hockey, you like hockey? Yeah, well... y'all are pussies. Hockey is great! You get bare-knuckle fights, check. Ice-skates, check. Whacking at shit with sticks, check. Non-stop action, check. That's, like... the U.F.C. meets the Ice Capades meets baseball meets Nascar! What's not to like?
I go and watch the Avalanche play at the Pepsi Center. Nothing pisses me off more, man -- I go during intermission to refuel: get some nachos, get a drink. Bartender asks, "What can I get you?" I say, "Jack 'N Coke." Every time, EVERY time motherfucker says, "ha ha ha! You mean jack and PEPSI!" Get it? 'cause it's the Pepsi Center and they don't sell Coke products. Somehow the bartender, regardless of who it is, they always say that and laugh. No, goddamnit. I want a jack and coke. No pepsi. Pepsi tastes like dinosaur piss. So they ask if I want a jack and Pepsi and I usually end up with two minutes in the penalty box for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Alright, I'm gonna peace out now. Thanks for listening. Laugh more for the rest of these suckers! Tschus.
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
It doesn't fit with my style, I'd have to have more layered jokes in my routine and, honestly, I have to leave for school about ten minute ago. No time, y'see? But DAMN! That shit's funny!
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
Hey there, hi! How are we all doing today? Good? Great. I see Leah brought us all pizza...
Thank fucking god. That's got to be the hardest part of this class, all semester. Waiting for it to get out so I can go eat lunch. Just sitting there, watching Charlie Chaplin and the big guy eatin' on a boot... 'Man, I want some too. Pass a little bit of that over here, yeah?'
You know, it's almost Christmas. You know what that means? Pie. Everywhere is pie. I love pie. Some of y'all are going out, buying presents for your boyfriend or girlfriend... I'm buying presents for my pies. 'Hey there, Pumpkin! I got you a gift! It's a new dress for you. I call it 'whipped cream.' Go ahead, try it on! I won't peak! Give us a kiss.'
So, I'm quite the chunky monkey. I'm a bit of a punker too, but you know? The two don't really mix too well. You see a girl with a mohawk and you think, "oh, she's punk rock." You see a girl with a 40" waist and you think, "oh damn, she loves pie." You see the two in combination and you think, "oh damn, she loves a *different* kind of pie!"
Everywhere I go, people ask me if I'm gay. Well, that is, they ask if I'm gay after they call me 'sir' for a while. You know, there's really nothing wrong with being gay... I like being happy too. No, for serious, there's nothing wrong with sexxing up anyone of any gender -- in fact, I think homosexuals are better 'cause they don't reproduce. You see a couple of fags you don't like, hey it's okay! They will eventually die. You meet a couple breeders, though... man, you gotta put up with their progeny. And if they're religious? Shit, you'll be stuck with more assholes than there are stars in the sky, a whole new nation of Abraham.
I'm not a very religious person, myself. I'm agnostic, which is sort-of like being a scientist -- I don't believe in anything. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against the faithful, it's just... sometimes religion makes people do really stupid things. Like those extremist Islamics. "You insult Muhammad! I'm so angry I could just *BOOM*"
Or take this: My mom is super-catholic. I mean... she's practically Jesuit. That's, like, the Nazi S.S. for Jesus. Now, my mom's pretty level-headed, she's an intelligent woman. But some of her friends? They are WAY too gung-ho for anyone's good. She has these friends that have, maybe, eight kids. Not one of her goddamn kids has any manners. They all just run around like little Tarzan children, fucking stuff up. And, get this: with every kid, Every One! She has some sort of life-threatening complication during pregnancy. She's even died for a few minutes at least once... So the oldest kid is 13 or something, and the youngest is still in diapers. Mom called me last week, "Good news! Carol is pregnant again! She's in the hospital though, 'cause she's started bleeding..." Mother of God. These are the poster-children for condoms. "Stupid people propagate needlessly! Buy Trojan!"
This half went REALLY well. Especially the pie part -- I had to pause between every sentence for laughter. After the 'give us a kiss,' I had to wait for the fat black chick to catch her breath before it was safe to continue. That was awesome.
The rest, not so much.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
People were shocked and offended when I said fags would die, but they laughed and clapped when I talked about having to deal with peoples' kids. That was good, I guess.
Nobody liked the "political" stuff (seriously, it is probably too outdated to work anyway), but they liked when I explained the hanging chad joke (See? 'cause I'm making fun of Florida and old people and they're stupid?). The group is kinda religious (this IS the City of Churches and we DID have a shooting at New Life last weekend) and didn't take as well to the faith-based jokes as I hoped, but that's cool.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
I have this buddy who is quite the douchebag. as kids he once dared me to stick a wire hanger up my nose to see if it would bleed. So I did and it did. Now about this time my parents came home and ask what the hell I'm doing. "She's trying to give a bugger an abortion!" Man...that was rough cause my parents aren't pro choice.
anyways, I'm on the road heading off to Ontario and my phone rings, before i even get the chance to say hello I hear this douchebag yelling. "HEY! Shannon! Just got a new roommate and she's HAWT! She's a lesbian but I totally have a shot!"
So I see this as a glorious opportunity to pay him back for all this shit he's done. "dude! you can totally turn her! seriously!" So I come back home and have drinks with these two. She gets shitfaced and admits taht she's is not a lesbian she is in fact a hermaphrodite. So i'm sitting across from my douchebag buddy just enjoying this moment of him trying to fuck an man-woman, but i'm still next to the hermaphrodite. yeah..you'd think God would provide those questions in that chronicle head of yours just in case, just in case you ever met one.
like you'd be able to say something clever like "uh, i bet gym class was a bitch". NO! the questions you SHOULD never ask a hermaphrodite just come shooting outta my mouth. - can you jack it off? - do you have balls? - can you tuck it inside? - which hole do you pee out of? - is it circumsized? - are you really sure its not a huge clit? (you never know i've seen movies)
those of you who are with me are with me, those of you just sitting there are looking at me like you;re watching a porno with your parents.
what does a hermaphrodite do? they can't do guys cause they got the...and girl cause y'know. and they can't do gays cause they got both and i'm sure that's really confusing. so do they do each other? like other hermaphrodite. i know thats like all kinds of sweet. its like a plug-in. that's ten ways to heaven. two of them meet at a bar. plug it in plug it in! ah i wan't a dick-poon.
Her name is Amanda. what kind of dick-poon parent names their child Amanda? It already has enough problems why not name it Dickpoon Weiniepuss. You're a parent and you got your heart set on Amanda. hermaphrodite kid comes poppin' out. or make it funnier. make the first name man, last name da and the middle name sor.
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
Aside from the whisky tits, I tried to avoid pulling anyone else's jokes. I meant for you to give tips on my jokes, but you have your own. Yours are good, we should book you at some club and go watch your act at RKMBScon.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
Do i have to pay for Joe's....eight seats and all of harley's drinks?
And, to be fair, one of my favorite friends there is blind and I take every opportunity available to make fun of that and we're still friends. That guy never fit there. He never got the spirit of the RKMBs. We're gonna keep an eye on the obits, see if he finally left or if he really did have a heart attack. 2,506,410.81 CAD Rack points
*shrug* That's up to them. Probably not though... I think every male there will be buying at least two of Kwink's beverages. She might be able to tie over at a mere 30... And Joe can sit where the table is supposed to be. We can set our drinks on him.
Old men, fear me! You will shatter under my ruthless apathetic assault!
Uschi - 2 Old Men - 0
"I am convinced that this world is of no importance, and that the only people who care about dates are imbeciles and Spanish teachers." -- Jean Arp, 1921
"If Jesus came back and saw what people are doing in his name, he would never never stop throwing up." - Max von Sydow, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
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