RKMBs Forums .::Important::. Fortress of Awesome Chat So... What'cha Drinking?

Okay, before I start I just gotta say this one thing. It's really been on my back all day, I just gotta get it out before I go on with the funny stuff, 'k? Okay, so I was backing out of my driveway this morning and there was a kinda bump. Like when you run over the newspaper or something. Well, we've got a long driveway and with the snow I figured I'd toss the paper closer to the door for my family. I get out of the car and it's not a fucking paper; it's Mrs.Jenkins' cat. I ran over the neighbor's fucking cat. And not just it's leg or something, this thing is -- it's gone. So, fuck. So I get a towel and a box -- I just got some christmas presents in the mail, so lucky I had something -- and I wrap the thing up. I mean its REALLY a mess; I wrap it up and take it over to Mrs.Jenkins house. I mean, I feel like shit. Mrs. Jenkins is one of those crazy old ladies and she LOVES this stupid cat. I mean, she makes it wear clothes and shit. Has this little, pink, sweat-pants suit it wears. No fucking kidding. So, I'm thinking this is gonna be tough -- oh, and I didn't mention, but her husband? Her husband died six months ago. YEAH. This cat was, like... everything in the world that she had. Yeah. Man, I felt like shit. So I went over to her house and knocked on the door. She answers it and I'm all, "Hi there, Mrs.Jenkins. I, uh... I don't know how to tell you this. I'm really sorry; I accidentally ran over your cat this morning..." She's all, "is she okay? where's Jasmine?" and I hand her the box and she just Freaks.Out. So I'm trying to be all nice and comfort her and stuff and I'm all, "is there anything I can do to make this up to you? I mean, I know I can't bring Jasmine back, but maybe I could give you some money or take you to the shelter and we could get another cat--" No. No, she doesn't *want* another cat, she wants THIS cat. I'm all, I KNOW, but I can't do that. What can I do to make this less bad? And she's all, "okay I'll take the money," and I'm all, fine, how much? She said, "Five thousand dollars." Five THOUsand dollars? I was thinking maybe $100, $200 tops. I said, "Mrs.Jenkins, I know the cat meant that much to you, but that's unreasonable! It's just some mangy cat, not even a purebred anything!" She said again, five thousand dollars. Now I'm getting kinda pissed off; I have to get to school, I have finals -- the woman won't.Budge. I guess we got pretty loud because *someone* called the cops. And can you believe it? They gave me a ticket! A freakin' TICKET!
*milk that until someone asks "What'd you get the ticket for?"
Debating the price of pussy on a street corner.

I was driving on hwy 84 last summer, coming home from some concert up in Denver at 2:30 in the morning. I think it was Rancid when they came to the Ogdon. Anyone know Rancid? No? Okay, well... y'all suck. But anyway, so I'm on US84 and NObody is around. I come to this stopsign, but there is NO ONE, so I just kinda roll through it, you know? No harm, right? Well, out of fucking NOwhere comes a fucking cop! Lights, siren, the whole bag. So he pulls me over and tells me I'm getting a ticket for failing to stop at the stop sign. I'm, y'know, I'm stupid so I'm all, "Oh, come on! I slowed down, it's the same thing!" The cop just looks at me for a second and then whips out his night-stick and starts beating me on the shoulders and stomach and shit! Yeah! Fucking hell! So I'm all, "Ow! Freakin' cut it OW! Knock it off! Stop it! Stop!" And the cop says, "so, you want me to stop or slow down?"

Hey, what do you call a cop at Oktoberfest? A Pig and a Polka!

There's two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "hey. Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" and the other says, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"