Hey there, hi! How are we all doing today? Good? Great. I see Leah brought us all pizza...
Thank fucking god.
That's got to be the hardest part of this class, all semester. Waiting for it to get out so I can go eat lunch. Just sitting there, watching Charlie Chaplin and the big guy eatin' on a boot... 'Man, I want some too. Pass a little bit of that over here, yeah?'
You know, it's almost Christmas. You know what that means? Pie. Everywhere is pie. I love pie. Some of y'all are going out, buying presents for your boyfriend or girlfriend... I'm buying presents for my pies. 'Hey there, Pumpkin! I got you a gift! It's a new dress for you. I call it 'whipped cream.' Go ahead, try it on! I won't peak! Give us a kiss.'
So, I'm quite the chunky monkey. I'm a bit of a punker too, but you know? The two don't really mix too well. You see a girl with a mohawk and you think, "oh, she's punk rock." You see a girl with a 40" waist and you think, "oh damn, she loves pie." You see the two in combination and you think, "oh damn, she loves a *different* kind of pie!"
Everywhere I go, people ask me if I'm gay. Well, that is, they ask if I'm gay after they call me 'sir' for a while. You know, there's really nothing wrong with being gay... I like being happy too. No, for serious, there's nothing wrong with sexxing up anyone of any gender -- in fact, I think homosexuals are better 'cause they don't reproduce. You see a couple of fags you don't like, hey it's okay! They will eventually die. You meet a couple breeders, though... man, you gotta put up with their progeny. And if they're religious? Shit, you'll be stuck with more assholes than there are stars in the sky, a whole new nation of Abraham.
I'm not a very religious person, myself. I'm agnostic, which is sort-of like being a scientist -- I don't believe in anything. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against the faithful, it's just... sometimes religion makes people do really stupid things. Like those extremist Islamics. "You insult Muhammad! I'm so angry I could just *BOOM*"
Or take this: My mom is super-catholic. I mean... she's practically Jesuit. That's, like, the Nazi S.S. for Jesus. Now, my mom's pretty level-headed, she's an intelligent woman. But some of her friends? They are WAY too gung-ho for anyone's good. She has these friends that have, maybe, eight kids. Not one of her goddamn kids has any manners. They all just run around like little Tarzan children, fucking stuff up. And, get this: with every kid, Every One! She has some sort of life-threatening complication during pregnancy. She's even died for a few minutes at least once... So the oldest kid is 13 or something, and the youngest is still in diapers. Mom called me last week, "Good news! Carol is pregnant again! She's in the hospital though, 'cause she's started bleeding..." Mother of God. These are the poster-children for condoms.
"Stupid people propagate needlessly! Buy Trojan!"
But that might tip the scales, you know? If people who are smart enough to forgo having kids DO stop reproducing... we will be a country of blithering idiots in no time, right? Well, the way I see it, we already are. We just also have a smattering of people that know it and can't do jack shit about it. If you look at the numbers, I'd say about 60% of America is already moronic beyond all capacity. I mean, seriously:
51% voted George W. Bush in for a second term. 9% more STILL left hanging chads.
Man, that election was quite a farce, wasn'it? It was the first year I got to vote for president. I turned 18 the February after 'W' was voted in the first time. I was so excited... but did you look at the candidates we had to choose from? I mean *really* look? Every one of them was a total waste! Sure there were the big two, Bush and Kerry... but there were some 9 or so others. I went through that little book... "John Smith, 84 -- His main goals are, 'My first order as president will be to reinstate prohibition.'"
*draw line in air, crossing out* Nope.
Man, I like alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to get drunk. But I love alcohol, always have. When I was a baby, man... "Fuck milk! Brink on the whiskey tits!"
I go up to Denver and watch hockey, you like hockey? Yeah, well... y'all are pussies. Hockey is great! You get bare-knuckle fights, check. Ice-skates, check. Whacking at shit with sticks, check. Non-stop action, check. That's, like... the U.F.C. meets the Ice Capades meets baseball meets Nascar! What's not to like?
I go and watch the Avalanche play at the Pepsi Center. Nothing pisses me off more, man -- I go during intermission to refuel: get some nachos, get a drink. Bartender asks, "What can I get you?" I say, "Jack 'N Coke." Every time, EVERY time motherfucker says, "ha ha ha! You mean jack and PEPSI!"
Get it? 'cause it's the Pepsi Center and they don't sell Coke products. Somehow the bartender, regardless of who it is, they always say that and laugh.
No, goddamnit. I want a jack and coke. No pepsi. Pepsi tastes like dinosaur piss.
So they ask if I want a jack and Pepsi and I usually end up with two minutes in the penalty box for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Alright, I'm gonna peace out now. Thanks for listening. Laugh more for the rest of these suckers! Tschus.
