Rob Kamphausen is pleased to announce his engagement to his longterm girlfriend / beard, Lex.
As a member of the RKMBS, you no doubt have many concerns regarding your place in Rob’s future domestic arrangements. With this in mind, we have compiled a list of what we think will be the most commonly asked questions.
Please read through this press release carefully before contacting Rob in person.
Q: Can someone explain this heterosexual love thing to me?
A: Heterosexual love is the kind expressed between a man and a woman.
Q: My mother told me that all girls have syphilis. I would never kiss a girl, or let her touch me in my special area. Not even if she paid me a million dollars!
A: The main advantage of a so-called ‘straight’ lifestyle is access to the missionary position during sex. This is the most adventurous sexual position known to heterosexuals, but it can only be assumed by good Christian men and women, who are pure in thought, word and deed. It cannot be used by lesbians and gays, who have been condemned to an eternity in the fires of hell, as penance for the sinful lifestyle they have chosen.
Q: Surely heterosexual love can’t be as deep as the love a man feels when he pounds another man in the ass?
A: The jury is still out on that one. Until we fully understand women we won’t know for sure.
Q: So all of a sudden Rob likes girls. Does this mean that he is no longer gay?
A: Rob’s status will be changed to ‘provisionally heterosexual’ in the next board upgrade. Thereafter we expect his condition to remain stable until his midlife crisis, when he will shave off all his body hair and run away to Mexico with the pool boy.
Q: Who is this woman that has captured Rob’s heart? Will she attempt to marry me as well?
A: Lexus is the leader of the female autobots. She has the power transform into her namesake and can also combine with the other femmebots to form the mighty Dykazord - Lestron. So far she has refused to do this in front of Rob, no matter how much he begs or pleads. As part of her marriage vows, Lexus will make a commitment to defend earth from the evil Deciptacons.
Q: Okay I accept that Rob is getting married. To a woman. I can still be gay, right?
A: Unfortunately no. As of midnight on the date of Rob’s nuptials, the RKMBS will formally convert to heterosexuality. Changes will include less tasteful colour schemes, fewer threads in the media forum dedicated to George Michael and a sudden loss of interest in all forms of wrestling.
Q: I can deal with that. I never really understood why I was gay anyway.
A: Take a moment to consider the gender of the hand you’re been fucking for the last decade.
Q: Talking of hands I have a friend who took Rob at face value when he said that we should have illegal plastic surgery, to make our clenched fists feel more like sphincters. Should I have the operation reversed?
A: Get the fuck away from me, you despicable hand rapist.
