RKMBs Forums .::Robegories::. Sports and Wrestling King Snarf presents the EPIC Impact Review 4/17!!!

The show opens with a Lockdown montage, which allegedly set a new TNA attendance record. Tonight's episode is entitled "The Revenge of Lockdown". Ooo, spooky.

The show officially starts with new TNA World Heavyweight champion Samoa Joe coming to the ring, much to the delight of the fans. Don West shills the PPV replay.

Joe puts over Kury Angle, saying he's one of the baddest men he's ever been in the ring with. Joe then says he had started to lose during the match, but he fought through for the fans. Big pop. He dedicates his championship run to the fans. Joe promises the belt will be defended with respect, honor, and the sweat of Joe's brow and the blood of his fist.

Scott Steiner's music hits, and Big Poppa Pump with both his title shot briefcases, as well as Petey Williams and Rakka-lakka Khan. ()

Steiner rambles on for a bit about sacrifice and dedication. He gives his X-Division shot to mini-Steiner, Petey. Steiner rambles some more and calls Joe fat. Clever. Truly, his promos rival those of Arn Anderson, Ric Flair, and the Rock COMBINED.

Kury Angle's music hits, and the Olympic Gold Medalist comes to the ring. Thank GOD. Kurt puts Joe over. But Kurt says he always learns from his mistakes. Kurt addresses Steiner and says Scott's last big win was against the Road Warriors in 1975. Kurt says he has a title rematch clause, saying he can have a rematch anytime, and he will do that next week.

Backstage, the new interview check talks with Rhino and Christian. Team 3-D interrupts. 3-D says Christian hasn't changed and he will eventually betray Rhino. 3-D goes on to say that Rhino is a shell of what he used to be. 3-D, along with the former Mr. Ass, James Storm and Robert Roode proceed to issue a beatdown.

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We come back to Jeremy Borash talking with Black Machismo about tonight's X-Division title match against Johnny Devine. SoCal Val and Sonjay come out from the ladies room; before they leave, Borash grills Dutt, saying "I'm on to you".

We get readly for the X-Division match as West and Tenay are joined by NASCAR's Hermie Sadler. Johnny Devine comes out with a kendo stick and camera, possibly referring back when he partnered up with Alex Shelley.

Jay Lethal comes out with SoCal Val. SoCal Val is HOT.

Johnny cheap shots Lethal and the match is on! Johnny lays in some punches in the corner on Machismo. Devine then hits a slingshot leg drop, causing the fight to go outside. The two go back in the ring, and Devine throws on an abdominal stretch. He turns it into a pump handle, hangs Lethal on the ropes, and delivers a double axehandle of the ropes for a two count. Johnny Devine hits a moonsault for another two-count. Devine goes for his finisher, but Lethal reverses it. Lethal comes back. After a flurry of offense, Lethal hits the Lethal combination and the flying elbow for the 1-2-3!

Petey then comes in and smacks Lethal with the title shot case.

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We come back to find Petey had beaten up Lethal all through the break. He demands that he cash in the shot now. The ref reluctantly calls for the bell. Petey hits the Canadian Destroyer to become the new X-Division champ. Val looks sad. Sonjay chases off Petey to check on Jay.

Backstage, LAX talks about the upcoming 3-way tag title match. Salinas (former vampire turned gangsta, I guess) talks smack to the interviewer while LAX promises to take the belts back.

Matt Morgan comes to the ring with a mic. He says Cornette was like a father to him. Cornette taught him that timing is everything, and Morgan says his time is now. Matt Morgan talks about his sacrifices, having to pretend to a bodyguard and office guy. He says he's going to prove he's the best giant working in the business today.

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We come back to Joe being interviewed backstage. Joe talks and Nash somehow appears behind him, mugging for the camera. Joe doesn't notice. Joe says he'll beat anyone. Nash doesn't say anything. Weird.

The 3-way for the tag titles is up next, with LAX and Selinas (man, she's got huge tits) come out first. Out next is Kaz and Eric Young. Eric gets scared by the pyro again. Finally, the champions, Tomko and Styles come out. AJ's crown kinda makes him look like Jughead from the Archie comics.

The match starts with AJ and Eric Young. AJ takes the offensive immediately. Eric fights back and gets the tag to Kaz. Styles shoots KAz into the ropes, and Hernandez gets a cheap shot in. Some back and forth action ensues. Tomko and Hernandez get a few more cheap shots in. Eric gets scared and heads to the back.

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Kaz is getting double teamed. Tomko goes for the pin, but LAX breaks it up. Tomko and Homicide fall to the outside. Hernandez goes over the top rope to nail Tomko. AJ goes to the top, but Kaz runs up and hits the Flux Capacitor. Both men are down, as Super Eric comes to the ring. Kaz makes the tag. AJ and Super Eric go back and forth. AJ goes for the Styles clash, but Super Eric reverses it into a Northern Lights Suplex for the win. New tag champs!

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AJ and Tomko claim that their loss shouldn't count because of... outside interference, claiming that since Eric claims that he and Super Eric are two different people, they should get the belts back. Cornette says he'll consider it.

Team 3-D comes to the ring. Rhino and Christian come out next.

Christian and D-von start it off. Christian gets an inverted DDT for a two-count. D-von tags Brother Ray, and he and Christian go back and forth. Christian hits the corkscrew elbow of the second rope for another two-count then tags in the War Machine. Rhino hits a belly to belly for another two-count. Ray tags D-von back in who attemt a double team but Rhino fights it off. Team 3-D gets knocked outside and Christian hits a flying body press off the top turnbuckle.

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We come back and D-Von has the upper hand on Christian. D-von hits a long vertical suplex for a two-count on Christian. D-Von tags in Bubba. Ray hits a backdrop on Christian then cheap shots Rhino. Ray puts Christian in the Tree of Woe, then D-Von stands on the crotch. Ow.

D-Von goes for another cover, but Christian kicks out. Brother Ray comes back in, body slams Christian then goes to the top rope. Christian cuts him off and hits a hurricanrana. Christian covers, but Brother Ray kicks out. Both make tags, and Rhino unleashes a flurry of offense on Rhino. Things break down, Christian goes for the unprettier on Bubba Ray, but gets a low blow. Rhino goes for the gore, but hits Christian instead. D-Von goes for a clotheslin on Rhino, but Rhino ducks it and hits Brother Ray. Rhino hits a schoolboy roll-up for the 3-count.

Team 3-D starts arguing, then engages in a shoving match. Security breaks up the fight.

Backstage, Cornette confronts Eric Young. Eric plays dumb. Cornette says they're going to straighten out in the ring. Cornette then goes to the Knockouts locker room. He reads the ladies the riot act, calling them brats.

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Back in the ring, Cornette speaks with AJ and Tomko. Cornette calls for Eric Young. Kaz comes out instead with both Tag Belts. Cornette calls for Eric again, and Super Eric comes out instead! Super Eric, calling Cornette "Commissioner Gordon" says he doesn't know Eric Young. Kaz tries to talk sense into Super Eric. Super Eric refuses to reveal his secret identity. Cornette strips Kaz and Super Eric of the belts, but Tomko and Styles don't get them back! Cornette states he'll make an announcement regarding the belts next week.

Kip James, Roode, and James Storm are being interviewed in the back regarding their match tonight against Booker T, BG James, and Sting. Storm and James argue a bit, with Storm saying James is mad that HIS cowboy gimmick never got over in the 90's. The group heels it up a bit, talking smack about their respective feuding partners.

Up next is the Knockout Championship match. Roxxi Leveau comes out first. I'd like to spooge on her belly.

Awesom Kong and Rayeesha Said come out next.

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Kong is beating down Roxxi. Roxxi tries to mount an offense, but gets knocked down by Kong again. Kong continues the beatdown, putting a camel clutch on Leveau. The crowd is behind Roxxi, and Roxxi reverses it. She mounts an offense, but Kong cuts it off once more. Kong scoop slams Roxxi and does a leg drop for a two-count. Kong goes for a splash from the second turnbuckle but Roxxi rolls out of the way. Roxxi hits a neckbreaker and a senton splash for a two-count. Kong hits the backfist and the Awesome bomb for the win.

We go to the back where Kurt is trying to get into a storage room he mistakenly thinks is his dressing room. Borash helpfully informs that only the champion gets a private room. Kurt promises he'll regain his title (and room, presumably) next week.

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It's now time for the Lockdown Revenge Six-Man Tag. Kip James comes out first, followed by James Storm and Jacqueline, and then Robert Roode, but no Payton Banks.

BG James comes out next, followed by Booker T sans Sharmell, and finally, the icon Sting.

Booker T and Kip James start out. Some back and forth between the two ensues. Booker T gets the upper hand and makes the tag to Sting. Kip quickly tags out to Roode, and Roode gets his ass whipped by the Stinger. Sting tags in BG. BG starts to make progress, but gets cheapshotted by Storm while the ref is distracted.

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We come back to see Roode with the upper hand on BG. The crowd is chanting "We Want Booker". Mid ring collision knocks down both BG and Roode. Roode tags in Storm and BG tags in Storm. Kip tries to intervene, but Booker knocks him out of the ring. Booker hits a spinebuster on Storm. Roode interrupts the spinneroonie. Storm is about to hit Booker with the beer bottle as everyone else brawls outside, but Matt Morgan runs in to make the save. Booker hits the scissor kick on Storm for the win. Booker is upset over the help; Sting intervenes but Booker shoves Sting. Booker challenges Sting to a match next week and leaves in a huff.

The show closes with a montage plugging next week's bout between Samoa Joe and Kury Angle.

I didnt read any of that, but I felt the need to come here and complain about how things are not as good as they used to be, even though I dont watch it!

TNA is truly, TRULY dead.

While I don't agree with what you say, I respect your right to say it.

Is that truly, TRULY what you feel?

It truly, TRULY is.

You are a cunt, CUNT!

Oh, my God! Make Believe Muscle just cashed in his X Division contract and pinned Jay Lethal at his weakest! How do they expect to beat WWE by copying Edge and his shit-crusted fuckholes and their quarter minute matches? All that buildup for nothing. *bangs her feet*