RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

Bermuda
As of 1 October 2006, smoking is banned in all enclosed workplaces in Bermuda, including restaurants, bars, private clubs and hotels

Bosnia and Herzegovina
The Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina has prohibited smoking in public buildings nationwide since 1 September 2007.

A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma’am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?" "Well, yes ma’am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?" "Yes, Ma’am, one of them does." "W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_smoking_bans

Smoking in Brazil is forbidden in all enclosed public spaces except for specifically designated smoking areas. Since 15 December 2011, Federal Law 12546 (article 49) forbids smoking in enclosed spaces in the entire country, including restaurants and bars

Bulgaria
Smoking was restricted in 2010 for all indoor public spaces except bars, restaurants and clubs. A comprehensive smoking ban has been introduced prohibiting smoking in all public places including bars, restaurants, clubs, workplaces, stadiums, etc. and came into effect on 1 June 2012

Chile
Chile prohibits smoking in schools, hospitals, government offices, shopping centres, supermarkets, pharmacies, airports, buses, subway networks and other indoor public places. Smoking indoors in universities is restricted, although it is allowed outdoors. In 2013 Chile's legislative body approved a ban on all smoking in public enclosed spaces nationwide, including restaurants, pubs and clubs

Shanghai Municipality expanded a smoking ban from hospitals to kindergartens, schools, libraries and stadiums, as of 1 March 2010, and had attempted to restrict smoking in restaurants for the 2010 World Expo, but compliance in restaurants was reportedly poor and enforcement lax. In Guangdong Province, the municipalities of Guangzhou and Jiangmen restricted smoking in public places in 2007, but the law was not effectively enforced

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

https://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-tanning

Tanning

There are nearly 22,000 tanning salons across the United States, serving about 28 million customers.


Out of the 28 million people who tan indoors, 2.3 million are teens.

70% of people who go to tanning salons are white females between 16 to 29 years old.


The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and the World Health Organization’s International Agency of Research on Cancer panel stated that ultraviolet radiation from the sun and artificial sources from tanning beds are known to be cancer-causing.

lthough the amount of radiation produced during indoor tanning is similar to the sun, it may be stronger in some cases.


Melanoma rates have increased in the last three decades. About 76,000 U.S. adults will be diagnosed with the cancer-type this year. About 9,200 are expected to die from the disease.

The risk of melanoma is 75% higher for people who start tanning indoors before the age of 30.


Indoor tanning can lead to skin aging, immune suppression and eye damage.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

http://www.businessinsider.com/17-mind-blowing-facts-about-russia-2014-3?op=1

Russia

Russia has a surface area of 17 million km2, compared with 16.6 million km2 for Pluto.

Russia's pipelines, including condensate, gas, liquid petroleum gas, oil water, and refined products, are 259,913 kilometers long. The Earth, meanwhile, is 40,075 kilometers in circumference.

Russia has 695 tonnes of highly enriched uranium (HEU), the most of any country in the world. The U.S. has the world's second largest stockpile at 604 tonnes.

Russia's population was 141.9 million in 2010 and is projected to fall 10.7% to 126.6 million by 2050.

n America, you can always find a party.
In Soviet Russia, the party always find you.

In America, you drive the car.
In Soviet Russia, the car drives you.

In Soviet Russia, government controls corporations.
In America, corporations control government.

In Soviet Russia, political system fails you
In America, you fail political system

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'
Read more at http://jussayin.toptenhen.com/item/3881/amazing-swimming-pools?bsid=1634676#qUrOIFvyf8ojgFKY.99

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
Read more at http://jussayin.toptenhen.com/item/3881/amazing-swimming-pools?p=2#Aavx53xuvESbsixG.99

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
Read more at http://jussayin.toptenhen.com/item/3881/amazing-swimming-pools?p=5#L0F7q9WLu4plG9rl.99

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

Yes, they help me sleep at night. "

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. "
Read more at http://jussayin.toptenhen.com/item/3881/amazing-swimming-pools?p=4#RC6Gcgm6a2ZKi8ke.99

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."
Read more at http://humormeetscomics.toptenhen.com/it...wS5KD5hrwvYZ.99

There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you
get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again."

so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. then the guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet." then the blonde said "i know, i laughed because i just got the first joke!"

Read more at http://humormeetscomics.toptenhen.com/item/1264/punctuation-amusement?p=3#e8Y7GHCgEs8jJkOc.99

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
Read more at http://humormeetscomics.toptenhen.com/item/1264/punctuation-amusement?p=6#JzqqbpPhbP8c2iW9.99

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting further and further away from the bucket."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ghost_towns_by_country

ghost towns


Angola
The settlement of Tigres, situated on a peninsula now known as the Ilha dos Tigres ("Island of the Tigers"), was once a small but well-established fishing village. It was supplied with water from the nearby town of Foz do Cunene, at the mouth of the Cunene River. In the 1970s, Tigres was cut off from the mainland by the rising sea level, and its water supply line was severed; both Tigres and Foz do Cunene were subsequently abandoned. The island, bound by the South Atlantic ocean and Baia dos Tigres, lies in a zone which is ideally suited for ecological projects. The island was mentioned in the BBC documentary "Unknown Africa: Angola".

Ethiopia[edit]
Dallol is a former mining town located in the Dallol crater, where the temperature can rise as high as 104° Fahrenheit (40 °C).



Bangladesh
Panam City in Sonargaon was established in the late 19th century as a trading center of cotton fabrics during British rule. Hindu cloth merchants built their residential houses following colonial style with inspiration derived from European sources. After the Indo-Pakistani War of 1965 and the Muslim-Hindu riot, Panam City has reduced into a vacant community. Today this area is protected under the department of archaeology of Bangladesh. Panam city area was linked with the main city area by three brick bridges - Panam Bridge, Dalalpur Bridge and Panam Nagar Bridge - during Mughal period. The bridges are still in use.

China


Thames Town in Songjiang imitates a typical English town
Kangbashi New Area, a district of Ordos City, was intended to house one million people,[11] but soaring property prices and lack of infrastructure deterred residents of Ordos from relocating to the newly built-up area, and it now stands largely deserted.[12] In 2010, the population of Kangbashi was around 20,000 to 30,000, a fraction of its total capacity.


Thames Town in Songjiang District was constructed in 2005 for 5 billion yuan. Like many new towns in China, Thames Town was built with a European theme. In this case, it was named for the UK's Thames River. The stores sometimes take the name of the English store they were copied from. The empty storefronts match the surrounding, unoccupied villa compounds.Thames Town is otherwise notable as a desirable backdrop for wedding photography.[

India
Dhanushkodi, on Pamban Island, was a flourishing tourist town until it was wiped out by the 1964 Dhanushkodi cyclone

.
Old Goa was once the centre of Christianization in the east, but it became largely abandoned in the 17th century, due to an outbreak of malaria and cholera.

Ross Island was the administrative centre of the Andaman and Nicobar Islands until an earthquake struck in 1941, leaving the settlement in ruins.

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ghost_towns_by_country

ghost towns

Hashima Island was a Japanese mining town from 1887 to 1974. Once known for having the world's highest population density (in 1959 at 83,500 people per square kilometer), the island was abandoned when the coal mines were closed down


Kampung Kepayang, in Perak, is almost uninhabited, with only two or three shophouses being in use. This is a result of the widening of the main road, which made it difficult to park a vehicle, and resulted in the shops losing business. However, there are still Malays who reside in the village houses behind the shop houses, and the addresses in Simpang Pulai are still written as "Kampung Kepayang".

Philippines
The Palace in the Sky was built at Tagaytay City as a vacation mansion for President Ferdinand Marcos, but construction was abandoned when he lost the 1986 election. The site was renamed "People's Park in the Sky", and is now a popular tourist spot.

Singapore
A few blocks of HDB flats (apartment flats) located in the Lim Chu Kang area of the island is known to be the only ghost town in Singapore. Named the Neo Tiew estate (or officially the Lim Chu Kang Rural Centre), it used to house residents before they were moved out of the vicinity in 2002 as part of an En-bloc scheme. Since then the Singapore government has declared it state land and nothing was done to demolish or renovate the flats. The area was used by the Singapore Army as a training facility from 2005-2009 until a newer training facility was built nearby in 2008. Its current fate is unknown.

Thailand
The city of Old Ayutthaya was the capital of the country from its foundation in 1350 until it was sacked and destroyed by the Burmese in 1767. The site is now Ayutthaya Historical Park.

A visiting professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said ’goats’!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/sexwithghostjokes.html

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!"

"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "
now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads."

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.